Monday, November 30, 2009
The story which never started.
During those times, I was hurt. It was a tough period for me. My heart was in pain, I stared into space and started tearing. I wished I had someone there for me, to listen and talk to. To just be there. I thought of you at my lowest point, the cute cheery person whom I knew just a while ago. Someone I felt so comfortable with, joking and just chatting.
I tried texting you, telling you my feelings… and texts eventually became calls. The first time - I remember you as a great listener but I was so afraid to bother you. You sounded stern and cold, but as we talked, I gradually felt the warmth in your voice – something that could only be felt with the heart. Initially, they were sad calls. I always sobbed as I spoke.
With you around, I slowly felt better and those sad calls became nightly happy chats we both thought were indispensable.
At some event, we were the only two who stayed up whole night, chatting and doing random stuffs. Then, we headed home. Upon realising there was a bus that goes near your home then to mine, we took a really long bus ride home. And we both fell asleep. After you alighted, I was thankful for your silent company. It was such an incredible journey and feeling.
Some birthday, you accompanied me during the hectic preparation and then watched me leave for the celebration. On that same night, being so afraid I would be upset, you created a little surprise at my void deck involving branches, leaves and smiley faces, hoping to cheer me up if I were to have a bad time. Unfortunately, I only managed to catch a little of those.
I was frantically looking for a job then. And thanks to you, I got a great job. A part time job I could surf the web, watch videos, listen to music and get paid. My first day - I was texting you all along, chatting… passing time. But you suddenly stopped. I thought you were busy so I ignored. The next moment, I looked up and saw 2 familiar faces walking in. It took me a while to register. It was you, and your friend. You came with my favourite bubble tea. We chatted and your friend left shortly.
The clock ticked as you stayed in your seat beside me, accompanying me through my first day of work. Feeling distracted by my thoughts and feelings, I made a major mistake and I panicked. It took a long time. But you waited and helped me solve the problem, keeping me calm at the same time. Then, we ate soggy fries together and headed home separately. I smiled.
I remember you coming by, just to pass me herbal tea. I remember you waiting for hours and hours on many occasions, just for me to end work. I remember you getting lost before near the area but still finding your way to my favourite mochi place, warming it a little with your palms while you walked to my workplace, so it wouldn’t be too cold for my teeth.
A random day. I baked a polyshrink which I drew and coloured myself, making into a handy keychain. I don’t remember how but I went to your home area, just to pass you that little envelope containing the cookie monster polyshrink.
After dance one day, I was texting you as usual and I told you I was famished. You continued texting asking my whereabouts. You hopped onto my bus halfway through my journey with a nice fresh burger.
Another bus ride on another day, I met you at the stop which I usually took the next bus. You were there waiting, with a box of sushi in your hands. I gobbled everything up. But I was truly glad I didn’t finish the salmon sushi in one bite. There was a little bling key embedded under the slice of salmon. I was pleasantly surprised and wonder how you always manage to do these amazing magical things.
One normal day after work, you waited and picked me up, telling me your plans to go to a place for me to relax. Night safari. It was awesome. But sadly, I was tired so we left quite early.
A random bus journey, I was texting you. Thoughts filled my mind and I cried on the bus. I alighted at the wrong stop and it was dark and void of life. I was scared. You were at the next stop. I walked in tears, trying to get to you. You ran the highway, reaching me fast and told me everything was ok. Although I was choking on my tears, I knew… Cos’ you were there.
Everytime I performed, I received flowers from you. Not just one. But a bouquet. And you always manage to do that without fail.
On a special occasion, you waited hours for me to reach home, just to pass me a huge board, exquisitely handmade with beautiful photos. It was impeccable. You said it wasn’t nicely done. That was just a humble lie.
We were so close. I wonder when this happy friendship became this weird happy relationship. I always laughed so hard with you. I was truly happy. Always.
And gradually, on your side the feelings involved was more than just simple friendship. You just never knew there were feelings on both sides all along.
Maybe I wasn’t ready, not yet recovered from the hurt. Maybe I was just afraid of how others would see us. Or maybe both played a part.
Somehow, things turned sour, probably cos’ of the emotional attachment. Oversensitivity and many negative feelings derived from actions and words. Maybe you were just too afraid to lose me and what we had after all these while.
I gave you a long while of cold treatment cos’ I couldn’t breathe and just needed some space to feel happy once again. I didn’t even want to talk to you much.
After which, things turned out fine again. You, still being the perfect friend you were before. A changed person… for the better. But during those times, you went through so much hurt cos’ of me, inflicted by me.
Still, there is one reason why I always have happy lunches and happy kois.
Events leading the downturn are skipped. But it just happened. Too much happened. Maybe cos’ you’ve been through too much hurt by me. Words are free. Promises are costly.
I tried. But sorry to myself, I can never pick up the pieces again. There is only myself to blame. Too much hurt has been involved. On my side too. And I’m sorry. All’s lost.
I know this doesn’t have a logical ending cos’ it just doesn’t seem like the way to end.
But not all stories have a happy ending.
At least not mine.
Closed Book At... [5:57 PM]
Been a few days…
I cried.
I vomited.
I feel sick.
I feel the shivers.
And sharp pain lingering from the hurt.
I’ve never felt this much pain since years ago.
I guess the person I’ll always blame and can never forgive is myself, more than anyone else.
I hate myself.
It’s retribution.
So fucking regret everything.
This must be how depression feels like.
Closed Book At... [9:39 AM]
Friday, November 20, 2009
Christmas caroled with the loves yesterday. At least it kept me happy and excited for some time, distracting me from the periodic glance at my phone.
Awesome 3D effects. Feels like you’re traveling with the characters. Great effects also proven by the super blurry screen when you remove the glasses.
Overall, it was enjoyable although I couldn’t really make out some conversations cos’ there weren’t subtitles and the characters spoke in a strong british accent.
--
My future home. Dreams are free anyway.
Monochrome with thoughtful splashes/tinges of colours.
Modern, sleek and sheek.
The 2nd floor looks like a potential glass studio.
Colours can be great too. But the first is still my favourite.
All the above must include the legendary glass studio.
--
Boo.
Feel kinda sick today. Bad throat and cough...
--
And.
I hate assholes.
Nuff’ said.
Closed Book At... [11:49 AM]
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I wanna do more meaningful things with my life all of a sudden, to enrich myself. Or maybe... to occupy myself.
Who cares? Nonetheless, it’s for the better. A perfect getaway from any unhappiness.
Dance. Improve. Go for more classes, even thinking of taking up ballet classes. At this age… Hmm… But nothing’s impossible.
Take up a third language. Learning online for now.
Save money. But according to my monthly goal and the expenses breakdown chart I just drafted, it’s really very tough.
Probably dressmaking? Just a sudden thought that recently struck me.
Time constraints though. Work’s taking up the bulk of my time, and energy. Really draining. But it’s all for the money.
Without work and money, I can’t save. With work, I have no time for other stuff. Everything contradicts huh. But it’s an essential, I know.
And I’m not complaining, just thinking. Don’t really have much time before I’m off to study next year. Will always try my best.
--
My office has a sweet thief. Yeah, an interesting thief with a sweet tooth. My jar of ‘sticky’ sweets had 1/3 of it missing after I came back on a Monday (esp. the lime rock da ling bought me). That was the first time I noticed, like 3 weeks ago?
Still seems to be diminishing over the weeks. Lime rock’s all gone now, when I don’t even remember eating the last one. The rainbow ones seem unpopular.
The ‘thefts’ must have happened after I leave on Fridays or during the weekends. But I’m glad my ‘protectors’ of sweets - family of mr and ms smiley didn’t go missing.
--
Random outburst.
I don’t think one should bother so much about what others think. Ultimately, people who really know you will stand by you, and truly understand the sort of person you are. Whereas when others form judgements so easily based on what they see/think, why would you even bother? Doesn’t this just show that they don’t even know you, and don’t really care?
Search deep within, and you’ll find an answer.
Closed Book At... [4:46 PM]
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I can’t even sleep or eat.
Hurts so much that I don’t think I can even tide through work.
I mean nothing... at all. This just shows what you truly want.
What is true happiness? I don’t know.
Really. Nothing matters anymore.
Just leave me alone.
Bye.
--1633hrs
I really dislike how people can read me like a book, even if they don’t really know me, they can roughly get to the synopsis page. Thanks to the emotions written all over my face. It might just lead to consequences I never expected. Not good.
I need a harder cover. It’s a skill I have to master, to hide behind the mask.
Control.
--
The third person sees it best, and you saw through me.
But in this case, cos’ you know me so well, I don’t dislike you seeing through me at all. It’s appreciation. And you made things even clearer.
Thanks alot. =) I know you truly care about me and don’t wanna see me struggling anymore.
Closed Book At... [9:19 AM]
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I wish to be on a luxurious flight... off to somewhere nice.
--
I wish for… a nice, cosy, warm, designer state-of-the-art home.
Other than a modern living room, a room of substantial space should be set aside, surrounded by glass panels. Not forgetting one of the walls installed with full length mirrors, complete with a stereo and probably a small cushion corner for essential resting.
The purpose of this room speaks for itself.
And I dream...
--
Sudden weird lousy feeling. From certain things, words and thoughts...
Raar.
Blame it on pms or something. =(
Closed Book At... [12:27 PM]
Monday, November 16, 2009
me misses 9p.
me hopes exams/assignments go well for them. it’ll be playtime soon.
me wants a getaway anywhere with anyone for a crucial time to relax.
me is feeling a little sore and sulky.
but me is recovering fast.
me wants more dance. me wants to push hard. but me needs more time on hand. =(
chiong x3.
me is working out. chants, ‘lose weight lose weight’.
disclaimer first: thanks to people who dote on me, but please don’t feed me anymore!
Closed Book At... [9:37 AM]
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bye to overseas plans.
No company. =(
No getaway, no relaxation, no excitement. No nothing.
I shall just rot my 9 days of long-awaited-approved-leave away… sadly. Or maybe I will just cancel my leave.
Closed Book At... [10:30 AM]
Monday, November 09, 2009
watching you walk away, having so much to say...
slowly... but surely.
--
How dead can one be?
At least my heart’s still pumping and... feeling.
Closed Book At... [10:20 AM]
Friday, November 06, 2009
If anyone should be faulted in this, it’s me.
Not you, nor you.
I'm just so used to it...
I should have known better, nothing lasts forever.
And promises are made to be broken.
--
Dance.
When expectations grow, when there’s lack of practice, when you see how awesome others are...
It feels out of reach, like you can never get there.
So many factors could easily result in a major drop in confidence. It just keeps going down...
It’s all up to me, to bring it back.
--
Movie-ed with myself yesterday. Quite a different but nice feeling, although I was fumbling with the smallest set of popcorn and huge drink alone.
The funniest thing is... I had to answer the call of nature. I sneakily hid my little combo at a corner of the food counter, with the smart intention of imposing as their ‘property’ as I made a mad rush to the loo.
My popcorn and drink was safe. =) Kudos.
But yes, due to my bladder condition, I went again during the movie...=/
Closed Book At... [9:26 AM]
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Thanks for being willing to wait.
I’m really sorry for… still having doubts and uncertainties which deter me from moving forward to embrace the future. Just need time. More time…
And clear everything real soon. I want, and need a clean slate.
--
I would love some lonesome me-time. Own pace, own places, doing my stuff (coffee/library/swim/shop/movie), just relaxing, spacing out, enjoying random thoughts about things, people and places, without having to bother if the other person is bored or if I’m spending too much time in one shop.
But, this me-time still has to depend on situations/occasions.
--
Recent randoms that make me smile.
- Books
- Gossip girl
- Texts from lovely people (esp morning).
- Seeing important smiles.
- Approved leave.
- New matte gold shoes.
- Soft, yummy kaya toast this morning.
--
I wanna dance.
Glad I am later. (:
Closed Book At... [9:42 AM]
Monday, November 02, 2009
I'm feeling so lost.
="(
Closed Book At... [11:19 AM]
Saliva Bin______
Who Am I______
jasmine .//. ahlee .//. skippy
My Shining Stars______
.:+:.9p
Loves_________
*DANCE *hip hop *fashion *music *holidays *shopping My Past Thoughts___
|March 2005|April 2005|May 2005|June 2005|July 2005|August 2005|September 2005|October 2005|November 2005|December 2005|January 2006|March 2006|April 2006|May 2006|June 2006|July 2006|August 2006|September 2006|October 2006|November 2006|December 2006|January 2007|February 2007|March 2007|April 2007|May 2007|June 2007|July 2007|August 2007|September 2007|October 2007|November 2007|December 2007|January 2008|February 2008|March 2008|April 2008|May 2008|June 2008|July 2008|August 2008|September 2008|October 2008|November 2008|December 2008|February 2009|March 2009|April 2009|May 2009|June 2009|July 2009|August 2009|September 2009|October 2009|November 2009|December 2009|January 2010|February 2010|March 2010|April 2010|May 2010|June 2010|July 2010|August 2010|October 2010|February 2011
30th Aug 88
andrina_lee@hotmail.com
.:+:.family
.:+:.dance
.:+:.TPDE
.:+:.ryan and gin
.:+:.epic crew
*great company *bling blings *jackets *nice shows & movies
*fav comic *CLEO mag *sexy heels *high cut shoes
*accessories *spongebob *patrick *oreo cheesecakes
*ice cream *coffee fraup *strawberries & cream, starbucks
*iced caramel macchiato *eggs *milk tea *clam chowder
*jap food *seaweed *salmon sashimi *lobster salad
*ice cream mochi *pasta *yakult *yogurt
*my beloved dogs, toffee and honey
Them__________
|9p|
yingxia|
hsin|
rine|
vanessa|
My Blogskins__________
|mavis|
jace|
|nicole|
xiaopei|
clonie|
serene|
raaz|
|samlee|
kat|
joyce|
|childhood memories|
|beachy girls [anime]|
|broken promise|
|sweet pink|
|sly - rawker of my life|
|one more step, to the edge|
|life is like a dream*|
|BoA - dance to the beat|
|magical falling gift|
|the gothic girl [anime]|
|dreamy [anime]|
|i'm your lil' angel [anime]|
|it was a rainy day [anime]|
|watching over you [anime]|
|rush hour [anime]|
|good old times [anime] (dedicated to mel)|
|noodle trouble|
Rise and shine, puppeteer.