Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Dear blank space,
This morning, I received a mail again.
It sent cold chills down my spine, slowly but surely, disrupting any bit of sanity left in my mind.
My heart froze, almost on the verge of extreme numbness.
Tears welled but couldn’t flow. It was too cold.
Freezing. In here.
But it doesn’t matter.
Suddenly, my feelings have become so abstract that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore.
Touch your heart, keep feeling. And if you’re happier now, I’ll be ok.
I’ve never had any sense of resentment, at all. So what if I hate, so what if I love? Nothing can ever mean more than you.
I know, I will not hold on to my beliefs anymore.
Over and out.
Terrible appetite lately, to the point that I don’t even seem to eat.
Somehow I wish hot green tea makes me drunk. But nope, it keeps me more awake. I'll need the real thing.
It’s ok, I’ll be ok. Just keep moving, keep dancing.
Sometimes, leaving might be the best way to make someone happy. Even though you won't be able to see his smiles, hear his laughs, at least you know, he is, without you.
Yes, cos’ I think for you so much, I’m smiling again. =)
Closed Book At... [2:38 PM]
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Dear empty space,
I received a mail this morning.
All it took was an effortless click.
Thoughts misted my mind, feelings engulfed my heart, yet I was speechless.
My vision caved in as the text emerged before my eyes, void of the slightest touch of warmth and feelings. Gradually, my vision blurred. As much as I hoped my mind was unclear, the screen’s text remained absolutely lucid.
When people change, it's such a sudden drastic difference. People whom you once felt so close to, become unfeeling strangers, who simply lack the courage to feel with their hearts, also losing their ability to feel from the ones who truly care about them. I've always been feeling.
Sometimes, just take a moment to feel... will you?
I wonder how people manage to take things so easily, able to let go so quickly of something they held on so dearly to in the past cos' it meant the world to them. And they once said things that sounded so perfect, so assuring. It's great if it's better for you, but I can't.
That’s life. Nothing lasts forever.
I ask myself if I’ve tried my best, if I’ve done enough, if I could’ve done better. I know the answer best. Things I’ve done are all heartfelt. I let my heart lead my actions.
It’s pointless holding on.
Not everyone remembers promises, not everyone keeps them, and not everyone mean what they say.
Accept it. You’re not needed. You’re redundant, optional.
I was still gleefully holding on to the simplicity that came by. Happiness - deriving from smiles, hasty glances, short greetings and conversations. It’s amazing. Sometimes, I wonder when I ever became so simple.
But I'm happy. I’ll leave smiling. =)
Mel, you're wrong. not everyone will be.
Random rant. My old injury is back, and it hurts so bad.
Closed Book At... [12:04 PM]
Monday, January 25, 2010
If only I could care less,
If only I could feel less,
It wouldn’t hurt so much.
Have you ever felt so helpless cos’ you’re clueless about someone you care about so much?
Have you ever felt someone doesn’t care cos’ he/she doesn’t show? (or perhaps, they really don't care)
It's scary how fast people change, they won’t even realise it. It's not something you can stop. It's nature, a passing phase. And there’s no point in explaining the difference. Cos’ to them, there isn’t any change. The new person is who they’ve always been.
Once people change, they forget at an alarming speed and you’re not part of their lives like in the past anymore. All memories about you seem to have purged and there’s no meaning left. Then, the cold harsh truth remains no matter how hard you try. You cease to exist... now.
It’s incongruous.
In some ways, I’ve so much courage cos’ I care so much. But sometimes, I hide like a dumb coward. But it might just be a way to protect myself.
I admire some people with the courage to pursue things/people they love and ignore how the world looks at them. They dare to take risks, to fight for their happiness. Ultimately, it’s about them, not people who barely know them and end up judging using their own benchmark.
All these while, I’ve learnt the hard way. Just keep mum, don’t reveal your feelings. So when people don’t care/ask/respond, there’s still a comforting reason to hold on to – they don’t know. But when all’s revealed, you’re left vulnerable and when people know but they don’t care (or don’t care as much as you expect them to), the ugly truth stands before you, eventually hurting you twice as much.
Maybe that’s the reason why I choose to hide or run away. A coward, hiding from the pain I’ve been through for so long, cos’ I’m afraid, so fearful of consequences that would end up hurting myself again. Or maybe I've been too brave for too long.
And I always end up doing the wrong things which don't seem to convey my intentions well. I'm really sorry. =/
My heart's still beating, and bleeding.
And... thank you all these while for respecting me. Truth be told, I haven’t been happy. You know it, you feel it...
Things and times I miss. I'll make sure I find another cookie monster, a little monster to hold on to dearly. =)
Hello dt. I miss you so. I want to party with you...
Closed Book At... [11:02 AM]
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It struck me hard that day when you told me, even so you wouldn’t be happy.
No chances given. Nothing tried.
The next day, I realised how much you feel you wouldn't be, making it more real as a fact that if it were to happen, you really wouldn’t be, since your thoughts have already driven your expected emotions even without trying.
That paints the full picture. And I’m sure of what I want and what to do now. I just know the last thing I’ll ever do is to make you unhappy. Cos' your happiness matters most. My simple thoughts for you. =)
And... such a great disappointment recently. But I just have to live with it.
Closed Book At... [9:30 AM]
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Screw me. I’m such a pessimist.
I've come to realise, it's been quite a long while. But nothing ever changed. Yes, in multiple contexts.
And I saw it missing. Guess you took it off. To you, there should be no meaning in it anymore then. But it's ok. At least it once had. =)
Staring hard at the email in my saved folder teary-eyed, I started to wonder if they were all lies. But be it facts or lies, that shouldn’t matter already.
What matters is a fact that I care so much, and your well being is most important now. And albeit being unappreciated, I've exhausted all means and ways, just to make sure you’re doing fine. =) That’s really all I can do...
I have no regrets. I've always considered you a priority, but I guess... I'm only an option.
And to you, I'm really sorry. But you always knew my feelings.
Closed Book At... [9:58 AM]
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hello hiho.
You know you can you can you can! Hang in there. I know you won’t give up. You just can’t, especially not at this time. Remember, you’ve all that you need/want or even don’t need/don't want, to spur you on. haha...
Everything will be just fine. I just know it. Like how 2010 will be amazing, and I just know it. ;)
Haha... and I just seem to realise you are about everything else but everything to me is about you. But it's ok, cos' I care so much! =) Though kinda disappointed and hurt over some things, it doesn’t really matter after all. I just wanna follow my heart despite my ignorance about everything.
Still, I marvel at my courage and ability to be so strong. Haha... self praise. Of cos’ there are still aspects I should be a lot stronger. I will be. To myself - no more feeling hurt! =)Cos’ you’re what matters most.
Bah, I hate thinking about tonight. =’( Will miss you, dt... so much. I'll send you my faraway love. I hope you do too!
I always watched your back as you leave.
Closed Book At... [4:41 PM]
Thursday, January 07, 2010
A few envelopes, words, promises.
And I cried myself to sleep last night.
But I will be strong.
Good night, sleep tight. =) 4 days, 4 coloured papers, 3 missing words, and a final puzzle. I do too... so much.
Closed Book At... [11:37 PM]
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Looking back, 2009 was a terrible year, in every aspect.
So much disappointment, confusions, unhappiness, and feelings involved. It was difficult to tide through cos’ of all the bad things that happened.
Friends. I have neglected the ones truest to me, and closest to my heart. There were times, I didn’t think for them enough when I clearly could, but just too carried away with myself and whatever on hand at that moment.
As for some others, I put in effort, just to receive nonchalance. I tried, and I wanted to treat them well. But maybe it was too much for people who don’t appreciate me enough.
And others who have been constantly by my side making sure I’m doing ok, thank you so much. It all boils down to little simple things and details. Still, disappointments are always inevitable.
My resolution. For the people who mean so much and whom I mean so much to, I will put my best foot forward. I can, and will do much more.
Feelings. Too much uncertainty, external pressure, and thinking with the mind. In retrospect, I should have felt so much more with my heart. But I was too unsure and didn’t know the answer was so clear all along.
Time waits for no man, man waits for no others. In short, time and people never wait. My hesitation, insecurities and stupidity plunged myself into a slow and painful struggle I never expected. When the dark clouds cleared, the day I was finally sure, retribution came robbing my happiness away.
So much happened in a year. So overwhelming that it felt much longer. Yes, I was filled with regrets.
As the year moves forward, it dawned on me that I can never get the past years back. The times I used to smile genuinely due to a happy factor. And I always know... this happy factor is irreplaceable.
Thanks to you though, who never failed to be there for me throughout, during the times I felt so hurt. You only had one simple wish – for me to be happy. Unfortunately, I’m not. I know you tried so hard, the best you could. And I truly appreciate you beyond words. But I’m sorry for being so truthful all along. The only comfort is that at least you always knew.
A brand new year, I just hope for the fresh wounds to heal and leave me as scars, though it might take a long time. I can never be as happy as before.
Even so, my resolution is to be a whole new me, hoping to be happier soon, occupying myself with meaningful things, people or even being alone. Things to fill up my emptiness for a while, and plaster smiles for a moment, hoping that moment would prolong and the smiles stay to become laughs. Enjoy simplicity, let every simple happiness last.
Family. Things were pretty ok the past year. Though not very often, I managed to make time for them. Trips, outings and sumptuous dinners. I know I tried. I really did. But at times when I didn't feel good about my own issues, I lost my temper at them, which was always unnecessary.
But when you’re feeling so down, so upset, so hurt that you feel like you’re gonna break down any moment, do you even wish to talk? Sorry I can’t. And the only thing I wanna do is shut myself in my room and be alone, or just pretend to be asleep. I really don’t want them to be worried about me.
This year, I hope to spend more time with them and control my temper. Must be nice and patient towards them, and try my best to be home earlier. =)
Dance. A year of setbacks, struggles, disappointments, frustrations and hopelessness. Always wanted the best in myself but I’ve never seemed to achieve that. Overly high expectations of myself or I just failed drastically?
But I just know... whenever I get involved in something, I always gave my all.
Early part of the year, there was concert. I struggled tremendously and it was so stressful, with only hours of training every week. I’m glad I persevered and pulled through with all the support and we had a great show eventually. At least during then, I knew my confidence was still there.
Later part of the year, we trained hard for Jim Beam. To be honest, my confidence fell but I made sure it didn’t affect the team and myself. And we made it against all odds.
Work always got in the way of my dance endeavours and I never had a choice. Giving up countless opportunities, I ended up with insecurities and serious lack of confidence. I couldn’t compete or perform for so many events.
My confidence took an extreme downturn.
I just keep doubting myself. Now, I dance with such great insecurities, feeling so unconfident all the time. It’s by far the lowest self esteem I’ve ever had and I feel so lousy. And I really am. So much courage is needed to pull myself together.
But I know I have to. And I can. And I want to. I refuse to bow down to circumstances which are the controlling factors. I just have to start doing it. But sometimes, I don’t even get chances again, which makes it even harder in believing in myself. Cos'... it just feels like people don’t even believe in me anymore.
This year, I just have to try harder and not let anything deter me. Get the courage. Dance harder, gain back that lost confidence. I just need to always tell myself I can. Enjoy and don’t ever give up on dance, cos’ dance will never give up on you. Yeah, easier said than done, but I will really try.
Health. Bad. Fell ill so frequently that it's so tiring and exhausting. Can't seem to take care of myself well cos' I always tend to forget the right things to eat/do. =( Will try and take care whenever I can, or whenever I remember.
Finance. Spent too much the past year cos' of all the 21st parties and my own meaningless stuff. Time to really scrimp and save.
Studies. This is the year. Time to study and say bye to everything else. The fees cost a bomb. I will study real hard.
All in all, I need more time. Hard to come by, but I will make it happen.
And I'm glad the year started off pretty well. Thanks loves. =)
Closed Book At... [11:39 PM]
Saliva Bin______
Who Am I______
jasmine .//. ahlee .//. skippy
My Shining Stars______
.:+:.9p
Loves_________
*DANCE *hip hop *fashion *music *holidays *shopping My Past Thoughts___
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30th Aug 88
andrina_lee@hotmail.com
.:+:.family
.:+:.dance
.:+:.TPDE
.:+:.ryan and gin
.:+:.epic crew
*great company *bling blings *jackets *nice shows & movies
*fav comic *CLEO mag *sexy heels *high cut shoes
*accessories *spongebob *patrick *oreo cheesecakes
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*my beloved dogs, toffee and honey
Them__________
|9p|
yingxia|
hsin|
rine|
vanessa|
My Blogskins__________
|mavis|
jace|
|nicole|
xiaopei|
clonie|
serene|
raaz|
|samlee|
kat|
joyce|
|childhood memories|
|beachy girls [anime]|
|broken promise|
|sweet pink|
|sly - rawker of my life|
|one more step, to the edge|
|life is like a dream*|
|BoA - dance to the beat|
|magical falling gift|
|the gothic girl [anime]|
|dreamy [anime]|
|i'm your lil' angel [anime]|
|it was a rainy day [anime]|
|watching over you [anime]|
|rush hour [anime]|
|good old times [anime] (dedicated to mel)|
|noodle trouble|
Rise and shine, puppeteer.