Sunday, May 31, 2009
at this point of time, i'm feeling guilt in many things.
i don't like what i'm doing/feeling to affect others. but it's always the case. and sometimes i just need my own space, my own life, my own happiness. i wanna be happy... since i haven't been for quite some time.
and i'm guilty. most of the times, people take care of me. even those younger than me. i feel like i'm such a failure. so weak, so in need of someone there for me. and i'm always not the one there for others. i wanna break out of that.
maybe you should be glad you left. away from the troublesome me. away from all that you don't have to be going through.
and about some other stuff. something i didn't mean turned out to be such a heavy consequence i have to bear? it's not fair. NOT FAIR AT ALL. i don't have to be going through such hurt. don't think i deserve this, seriously.
just get over it already.
and say bye.
i just wanna talk.
Closed Book At... [12:48 AM]
Monday, May 25, 2009
amidst worries about work tomorrow, been going through pretty weird emotions.
i'm not that typical typical girl. i don't wanna be.
or am i? that's why... it just so happened to be? =(
Closed Book At... [11:02 PM]
Sunday, May 24, 2009
wad a trip. total unhappiness. really upsetting.
i went there for one simple reason. FAMILY. there really wasn't anything i could do at all.
what's with all those efforts trying hard to take leave for this trip?
on the 1st day, i was feeling so tired and unwell. on top of that, i couldn't get into the casino which was the sole reason they went.
it was more for their own happiness most of the times. their desire to play made it seem like having to take turns to accompany me was such a burden.
sensing that, i was alone many times cos' i didn't want to deprive them of their happiness just cos' of my presence.
and... to make things worse, my entertainment gadgets died on me eventually.
shopping ended up in... nothingness. sis bought more stuff than me, and i accompanied her to buy her shoes. but cos' of a slight argument, she turned her back on me, saying that she didn't get enough 'casino pleasure' cos she was accompanying me like half a day, doing nothing. even resorting to crude personal attacks, saying i look like such a whore. how hurting...
nice huh. come to think of it, have they ever thought why i went in the first place, going through so much trouble and missing out alot here. i didn't even complain. till the argument, everything seemed like my fault.
in the end, i think my presence was just to satisfy yourselves... to feel less guilty.
when looking out of the window could simply make me tear, i concluded that i should've just stayed here.
alone.
forgot to bring my camera battery. so i had to survive on my 'not-so-precious' handphone throughout the trip.
on the boos there.
just reached.
day 2.
dinner feast.
way back.
mochi memories.
out of the window.
Closed Book At... [5:25 PM]
Friday, May 22, 2009
the power from a placebo... lies in a person's mentality. it's all psychological.
i think i need an effective placebo. but... since it's a placebo, how do you actually measure the effectiveness? i guess all depends on the person and how he/she approaches his/her 'illness'.
ok. too much thoughts into stuff.
and... i think. i really don't need you in my life. i love dance, and everyone else.
=)
and bye. i'm 'flying' off, according to somebody. LOL. it's so funny!
but yes, i'm upset i won't be able to be here, watching konight and boty. sighs. all my lovely ones will do great okayyyyy! no stress and just dance your soul out! GOGO for konight!!
and someone please message me k? =) loves. i will go shopping there. shop for nothing. haha.
i love my baby, clonie and da ling. oops. too fickle minded? =) i like it the way it is!
and qiqi of course. =D
Closed Book At... [2:06 AM]
Saturday, May 16, 2009
woooohoooo. i took leave. 1 day next week. for two family reasons. hahaha. for mum, and for dad!! must pei them for the weekend. mama day + dad's birthday. so yeahhh. i'll be missing konight next week. that's like the thing i'm so upset about.
don't seem to have a choice though. i'm so sorry, my dearest loves who are gonna compete on sat!! =( sadded. still, i'm sure you guys will be enjoying your asses off that night. and i'm loving that! haha. some kind soul please spend like 50cents or so to sms me telling me the outcome that night ok.
and mum seems happy cos' i bought her a 199bucks pendant.. my family had dinner on monday for post mama day celeb and i told her my bag's really HEAVY. she opened my bag and saw her gift. that was when the slight smile formed on her straight face. really nice to see that. cos' she was illuminating with bliss. haha.
i wanna make her happy. she's always sacrificing for me, even when she's so tired. and i feel really bad. but sometimes i just wanna have fun doing things i like. i know. i need a balance.
AND... TAKEN IS A VERY GOOD MOVIE!! go watch it. my heart was thumping fast throughout the movie and at a point, i grabbed qiqi and said 'QIQI!! can we not watch anymore?? i'm so stressed!!!' HAHHAA. and... she... actually. AGREED. but yeah. it was a passing comment. of cos' we couldn't bear to miss such a good show. =)
happy me recently, chatting and laughing with beloved qiqi! my beloved other loves are doing modern, like almost everyday. *grumbles a bit* and dt stood me up today cos she was too tired after training yest.. i understand how it feels. =) but still... *grumbles a bit more* lol.
and... hmm.. i don't know if i really really know you. haha weird me.
Closed Book At... [1:18 AM]
Friday, May 15, 2009
had company drinks today. like team bonding thingy. had to go.. since i never seem to ever turn up for such things. had a BBQ seafood combo which is like $32.95!! wheeee.. haha. worth it. since i didn't have to pay!
in general it was quite all right. got to chat with them quite a bit, including big boss. haha.. but had to drink... no choice. =/
3 glasses of screwdrivers.. feeling a bit... groggy now.
booooo. i... wanna.... dance. all day, all night long. maybe i should go work in a club. HAHAHA. treat all these as gibberish if you like!
and it's really weird... i'm kinda worried about you. =/ please be fine.
off to bed!! KONKING out!
Closed Book At... [12:00 AM]
Sunday, May 10, 2009
is it really the reason why? a reason i don't wanna accept just yet... don't wanna think too much into it at the moment..
i need a sign. i don't know how to proceed from here...
=( a saddey. cos' you can't call it a sad smiley face, cos' it's not even a smiley. hahaha. ok. wadever!
Closed Book At... [4:17 AM]
Sunday, May 03, 2009
yest... was probably the worst day of my life ever since.. yea.
firstly, i really am sincerely happy for raazmy and my baby nicole, joey and jeremy, andy and andee for getting in. the feeling is heartfelt. esp andy. i'm extremely proud of him. me and da ling were joyfully thrilled when his name was called. so happy for him. and to lovely sai who came down with her bf.. i'm speechless and can't even say enough thanks for all her actions. cos i always feel the undying support from her.
but... our own feelings, disappointment, is a total different thing altogether.
after everything, i spaced out with total blankness, and tears were simply unstoppable. i wonder if it's blank or too much overwhelming emotions that are indescribable. so sorry to clonie, da ling and nicole for making them worry. it's just that moment. i didn't even feel like talking.
did i expect too much cos of my the extreme desire which gradually increased over time? i don't know what went wrong. but ironically, everything seemed right. we enjoyed, we had fun... and i felt you dancing with me, in this together for the same reason...all along. such chemistry, is so hard to come by. and this is something i treasure alot.
da ling... does everything really happen for a reason? why can't i seem to tap your theory into my mind? it's weird i'm still tearing as i'm writing this post. the feeling doesn't die.
hate how i'm feeling now. i haven't felt this terrible about dance before. not even the stressful concert period which i had to handle so many things.
honestly, i'm so so so lost now. without a direction. what am i to do? i'm proceeding... with questions.
and it was also yest.. i fainted. such a terrible terrible feeling. so weak and helpless. don't know why it happened. perhaps cos' i wasn't feeling well, didn't eat and i guess other factors included. can't really remember the situation.
but i'm so thankful to norbin, charlie and rahim for taking good care of me... and of cos' my beloved da ling. who took care of me and stayed by me all night.. making sure i was feeling ok. i'm really very touched. cos' she waited and waited for so long when we were supposed to leave much much earlier. but unexpectedly it just happened.. =( i'm very sorry for causing so much trouble.
=)
loves.
Closed Book At... [10:55 PM]
Saliva Bin______
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.:+:.9p
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Rise and shine, puppeteer.