.:+:. shiroi yuki .:+:.

and now, after how many months...

2011-02-17T17:23:00.001+08:00

Neglected many things lately, due to school everyday, this new work, and lastly, just being unwell.

Thoughts off my mind in summary after 4 months of not writing here. LOVE 9p so much, millions millions. They are the people I have known for 9 years, the people who make me smile and laugh like a silly willy, the people I can show my true self to anytime without being the least bit self conscious.

Been particularly sad over my bella wella cos’ she has left for SH to study for a long long time. She’s the dancer who I can be soooo crazy with, dancing my heart all out, laughing at her jokes, doing a thousand left-and-then-right isolations but still feel it’s so fun.

She’s the person who motivates me to dance more. She’s the person who makes me giggle in class/trainings all the time. She’s the person who inspired me to dance everything within me all out and just let go. I think she subconsciously succeeded in squeezing more personality out of the way I dance, cos’ she’s such a genuine person. And I don’t think there’s ever a time with her that ever ever made me feel upset (other than that time after recital we cried and cried like nobody’s business with kosmic and our beloved kos due to her departure soon).

Even at that moment, I knew that I will miss her so much. And now, she’s really left and will only be back in 6 months. It’s ok, I will keep motivating myself to dance, cos’ I have to dance for her, while she studies hard there.

She's definitely someone I have never regretted knowing, never regretted fainting (during the vampire recital), cos’ that was what sparked our friendship. Bella and Edward. Yes, her not very funny joke but I still laughed like a crazy woman.

I MISS MARCIALLYN.

life is moving too fast

2010-10-18T02:33:00.008+08:00

quick update. busy busy me, like a bumblebee.

lost touch with this long lost world cos' i'm busy in my busy world.

work, school, tests, assignments, dance trainings for shows/performances, and dance classes.

i'm tired. but no choice. gonna hang in there and i'll do everything well!

some recent happenings somehow affected me quite a bit. i wonder why. and that caused a sudden drop in my confidence. shouldn't be the case.

whee. i think i need some time to relax though. and i am thinking of a trip soon, with my 500bucks travel voucher.

recent amazing classes - to toxic and crazy in love! =) loving it.

missing

2010-08-18T00:54:00.013+08:00

what is it? =(

don't feel so good about dance recently. but i just can't tell what's wrong.

self expectations too high? or just really not meeting my own reachable standards, which is bad. everything feels like it can be so much better.

group wise, i feel we can be much more together when we dance. something's lacking. maybe we haven't cleaned up enough together in a group? it feels like alot more can come out of this, but just not getting there yet.

i know it can be done.

i want a boomz. i strive for a boomz.

not the usual boomz but... BOOOOOOOMZ for myself, for the group.

thank you so much to fredy kosman for everything he's done for us. really appreciate his time, effort and patience. of course, his golden encouragements too, cos' he truly believes in us.

happy birthday nicole!

our theme was sweeeeeeet. and it really is!

victory.

i shall sleep soon. i'm so tired and really famished!!

something's wrong when i sleep so early. but anyway, i need to save my eyebags.

hi i'm mike and my style is...

2010-08-11T13:43:00.034+08:00

outrageous sketchy job opportunity yesterday. the guy told me i have a high chance.

i received a message from a mike and he mentioned that 'his style' is to message and ask questions before calling. his first questions were, 'do you smoke/drink/have a tattoo and are you attached?'.

i asked for his company profile instead of replying. he told me he's in a foreign bank industry. soon after, i replied and answered his few weird questions. then he called and chatted with me for 45 mins, telling me about himself, the job, dress sense, looks & ego, places i'll be going to, people i'll meet and benefits.

on top of the basic 15/hour which will increase over time, everything's provided - transportation, meals, even shopping allowance. and a credit card before events for getting new dresses and any other stuff. that's how 'he likes to take care of his staff'.

it's being a VERY personal assistant. job scope includes understanding the boss inside out, being there for him, planning his schedule, following him closely everywhere for meetings/functions/private events at posh places (e.g. yatch, sentosa cove, penthouse... etc), meeting other directors, socialising and even having to dress to his liking, which he specified no pants allowed in the office (though he said it doesn't have to be very formal).

he even asked me to describe the kind of dresses i would wear for events, and the kind of clothes/length of skirts i would possibly wear in the office.

according to him, it's basically a simple high profile job. to add on, he has a whole floor of the building to himself... and his personal assistant.

he's supposed to be an australian but... his english isn't that fantastic and he really doesn't sound like one.

--

we talked to gin for quite some time yesterday and she made us think alot. generally, about our lives, our problems and our past.

it made me realise it's what we've been through that change our mindset and make us who we are now - stronger, better and wiser.

if things didn't happen, people don't go through the down periods of life, they might still be stuck in the rut, living in the shadows of their past, and won't be who they are today.

it's the process of recovery that matures us and we find ourselves back again. after everything passes, we live happier, better and stronger.

thank you my bb. =)

for being so thoughtful and selfless always. please stop thinking and saying you're not good enough for me cos' i'm gonna punish you severely (you know how). you should be afraid now. haha.

it's almost a year.

time is zoom zoom this year.

and it's good when our one year anniversary is on one of our birthdays. cos'... can combine the celebration and it also means... save cost! wahahaha.

i am so funnily CHEAPO.

full of hope and wishes

2010-08-07T19:36:00.010+08:00

our recent pushcart in tp!

good sales but i brought way tooooo little stuff. regret not bringing more but lugging the luggage was too draining. and i was so dumb not to realise that i could drag my luggage effortlessly cos' a pulley existed. only found out upon reaching school. haha.

it was even tougher when my journey was from bukit panjang to tampines - in dam high HEELS. having to stand around the cart in those, and then dragging the luggage in town just to have dinner isn't fun at all.

though opening a stall is quite fun.. we know we can't have it everyday! we were already so tired in one day!

our surprisingly quite nicely decorated stall, with big boss behind.

clonie. our lovely helper.

love meiqi's $10 pink backpack! which i regret not buying.

fashion disaster. wearing our own products. but qiqi said i look like tai mei!! though i love my new dress and my long awaited online suede boots!

suntec trainings seem fine. gonna have more trainings soon.

--

i really hope the happiness i see is genuine. i want it to last for you.

tiresome me

2010-08-05T02:04:00.003+08:00

i'm jobless but i am so busy. i wonder why.

dance and dance and eat and eat. everything costs so much.

this explains why i keep fretting over having no money. and it's a fact that my money is decreasing at an alarming rate!

should be starting a job soon. but, now i'm still cashless! haha.

new cap. hey, it's only costs one digit! =/

take it, take it.

2010-07-24T22:27:00.011+08:00

recent schedule packed with performance trainings, competition trainings and open classes.

performance is over! fuuuuuun.

couture

we all had an artistic 'photoshoot'. and this is mine. agony! haha.

after the performance, we took a walk in search for food. our final choice was restaurant/cafe place called chicken up, korean fried chicken feast which came with a jug of heineken. our jaws dropped. haha. and so... BOTTOMS UP! my heart raced and felt the heat almost immediately.

yumseng!

i'm good. i went straight home. i was so lazy to move and i just lay in bed and camwhored.

evidence showed that i was supposed to bathe. haha.

performance make up

i wish i had such loooong natural lashes.

and tomorrow... is audition!

i gotta calm myself. there's really nothing to lose. just go all out, do it, and hope for the best!

my shirt. i always meet mr wrong. haha

stakeout

2010-07-17T03:02:00.008+08:00

my short lonesome museum trip. thinking of going tomorrow again to check out the many many shows!

part of the interesting exhibitions i saw today.

to make tutu kueh

bak kut teh

nasi lemak

many many weird equipment for various uses

mooncake mould. totally reminds me that mooncake festival is coming soon. and i will eat the heavenly durian mooncake which i missed last year!

probably for ice shavings? didn't take note

another kueh station

--

xlb buffet at 1030pm today at holland v. sinful sinful.

and during our digestion walk, we chanced upon this...

savoury ice cream! OMG. peanut butter caramel, sour cream & chives, salted cornflakes, cinnamon walnut, seaweed & pistachio, asparagus, mushroom.

how very odd!

caught on camera, a not-very-candid shot of me by tofu!

and i'm sure things will be perfectly fine. =)

monster

2010-07-15T16:23:00.005+08:00

much boo to me in gin's class this week. still, i will strive to make it much better over the weeks. it's myself i've gotta beat.

and no more work due to some reason. wahaha. so i'm free for the moment.

boredom. again.

doesn't matter, at least it means more dance.

but it also means more cash outflow than inflow.

and still, i want to travel.

boo hoo. i want to cry.

long fringe makes me almost eyeless.

take care of your right. shoulder. old injury due to dance.

bingo. i guessed the details all right.

WOW and around

2010-07-10T01:01:00.021+08:00

to sum it up, my few days, some randoms and a NIGHT all on a page.

mambo started on a low note but subsequently in less than an hour, everything turned around.

all high (blabbering & laughing over everything), two with a significant loss of memory the day after, one prancing around all night and yes for sure, she was down (proven by much falling over everywhere. haha).

note the redness meter. (in chronological order)

how we started

we say hi

and... here we go

=D

LOL at the deh look!

we jumped. alot.

sweet candid

cause of redness. our drinks. 1 for 1 before midnight. 6 jugs and 6 sour apple shots in total. jugs consisted of 2 vodka orange, 2 whisky coke, and 2 gin tonic after midnight. i didn't drink a lot since the drinks weren't really to my liking.

a blessing in disguise? haha. might have one more prancing around if i had more.

but of course, sour apple shots - my all-time favourite. i was quite sober the whole night, but busy and tired entertaining the prancing one.

after the whole bout of craziness, i left with mel. went home to world cup while the rest went to chijmes for the match.

haha. i thought germany would win, but i couldn't bear to go against my support for spain, which resulted in a $20 ticket.

spain!

though in zouk, i was crazily blabbering stuffs like germany would win to some random aussie guy. haha. maybe that was how much i thought they really would win. ok pees, i won't talk to random people next time. and i can't believe i actually said he wasn't awesome. haha.

what a WOW night mamboing.

--

today, it was a sweet chill night. normal korean dinner followed by big taboo.

chocolates from... bangkok?!

--

this, my beloved espana scarf from my love.

love the colours!

whee. i'm waiting for 4am now.

TBG then world cup on sundae! =)

pleasantview

2010-07-07T04:04:00.012+08:00

something not so pleasant happened today and my hand still hurts. i hope things are ok although it doesn't feel so good yet. but i really want it will be. nevertheless, i stand by my statement that nothing could ever be better.

a random filming today...

the concubines

respect to the big wife

the malay king

and after everything, it was my long sweaty, lonely night walk.

i'm cautious

along the way

it was a few hours of waiting, that explains.

special concoction

--

i really feel so blessed by random things that come my way which mean so much.

thank you, lovely dg. =)

--

an intriguing shot.

haha.

tomorrow will be a crazy day. i mean... later.

plans: work. then rushing for two classes straight, training after, and MAMBO with the soon-to-be-crazy-people. HAHA.

one cuppa

2010-07-05T01:17:00.009+08:00

my two days highlights:

epic's performance at a charity event

with the really nice, polite and know-alot kids!

random: sadly, my mac blush pot broke into pieces on that same day.

--

today's super AWESOME and LOVELY auspicious number outing.

chicken tenderloin sandwich at epicurious for lunch. wasn't fantastic, at all. i will give this place one more chance, just for the BRUNCH menu though.

thanks to dt, air flown yummylicious brownies with cream cheese dip. impossible to find in singapore!

--

my toy story new loves!

and...

after my very tiring dance training today,

there was a surprise of a cup of hot green tea latte delivered to a monster mid-way on his bus journey to work.

=)

time to zzz. cos' i'm starving. =(

the escape of my beauty sleep

2010-07-03T03:11:00.017+08:00

i struggled in class today. but it feels great. for a good reason. =)

a very last minute 10pm 'outside' world cup match. moreover, it's a friday and quote dt, 'it's an OMG match'. yes, everywhere at chijmes was FULL HOUSE.

all we see is reserved, reserved and more reserved.

stood around to finish up the first half and off we went in search of a better corner. spotted somewhere acceptable, and really... we were so tired and hungry that we just couldn't be bothered anymore.

after the match, a few men walked past our table, pointed at us and exclaimed, 'THE HOLLAND FANS!!'

haha. what an outrageous assumption! but i guess his assumption was cos' we were still sitting and seemingly enjoying one another's company?

our table. view wasn't toooooo bad.

my 1st collectible. surprisingly, i got my favourite bicycle kick! pink cup next!

dt's coin pouch. (coins go into this head, and not your new classic black prada!)

a long long journey back... 2 night riders. and a lovely companion.

now i'm home feeling sleepy. but still in front of this screen, and beside me is half time, uruguay and ghana's match. and ghana just scored. =( boo. it's ok! it's not over... yet.

my london bus, my dream place at the moment.

and and hello hello what a sleeping monster today!!

i'm an eating monster!

despicable me.

time check: 3.27am. no intentions of hitting the bed yet. and i have twoooooooo freaking performances tomorrow!!

slam.

2010-07-01T12:30:00.001+08:00

shut me out.

HOLLA-BACK girl

2010-06-28T15:32:00.019+08:00

*WARNING: this entry might spark jealousy due to all the exclusive food that's so hard to lay hands on. (maybe only applies to me though =p)

HOLLA to dt!! finally back. =) so happy to see her! though it was only like 10 mins.

with awesome stuff for awesome me! wahaha.

hummingbird bakery.

cute handy packaging.

what's inside.

yogurt rittersport!! OMG HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS!

mini!

and not forgetting the absolutely mouth-watering macaron. generous filling and it melts in your mouth. best i ever had! that explains why it's pictureless. it was gone in seconds!

I REFUSE TO SHARE MY FOOD. HAHAHAHA.

--

why does everyone seem to be overseas...

boo. and i really hate it when my savings are stagnant and i don't seem to have any cash flow at all. =(

whole new second love

2010-06-28T00:09:00.006+08:00

my whole new second love after patrick star,

*drumroll*

buzz lightyear! =) =)

more loves coming up!

the case of the vintage ching-a-lings

2010-06-25T11:48:00.016+08:00

The Case of the Vintage Ching-a-lings.

it took me much much longer than expected. ok maybe i thought too highly of myself. haha but it was all fun!

The Case of my Sore Thighs

awesome to the max reggae class. my first! it was crazily good but so tiring. and... it made me realise it's an ultimate boo boo to rush for reggae just after you've eaten your fill.

REGURGITATE!

grave mistake. but i think i pulled through well enough with the food tumbling around inside. might have just aided my digestion. haha. how positive.

someone asked me a question yesterday. i will never stop dancing no matter what. maybe sometimes i just need a short short rest, a kick-start momentum and everything's bambamwham again! =) i want more.

The Case of the Never-ending wait

DO NOT. EVER. CAB IN THE MORNING ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RAINING.

don't even think about calling a cab. the lines were ALL engaged.

maybe i just shouldn't cab anymore after today's frustration. it might have been pouring, but i was seriously boiling.

such a heavy rain today. we should all get plastic bags and head down to orchard. hohoho.

The Case of Permanent Darkness

sleeping patterns recently has gone from bad to worse. thanks to the world cup for contributing.

shoooo to DOUBLE eyebags!

i really need sleep. MORE sleep. but i hate being a sleeping monster. it's BAAAADDD. someone just refused to wake me! =(

and feeling parched at work! how could i forget my not-so-trusty ice mountain bottle? sadly, i'm not really allowed to leave the store.

but when it's so bad that i've finally decided to sneak out to get some water, i realise i don't have a single cent with me now. wahahaha.

blame all things unfortunate today on the rain. i can totally drink the rainwater outside now. raaaarr.

there's a first to everything.

2010-06-24T11:26:00.021+08:00

decided to make the tag a keychain cos' it used to come with such a loose balled chain which always came off!

i snooped around my boss' office and VOILA! found a plier! kinda unskillful in the ring bending part but i managed after all. so proud of myself as a 1st timer for assembling every single part together with more symbols of love and significance. =) (took an hour of careful selection)

shall experiment moreeeee and try making one for every pee.

and i wonder if a charm can be customised according to a character i want. hmm. tough one.

influenced by sis to watch world cup and since then, i've been winning snacks recently due to my mad accuracy in the prediction of the matches. hohoho. 4/4. no lose at all.

boo. someone's tired. me too. but prolly still up for some reggae later.

--

funny, to have the cheek to whine over that something, when you didn't even have the sincerity in the first place. everything was denied. i was denied. you didn't bother, so what did you expect from me? plus, i'm not obliged to... in any way. and it's so ironic that stupidity had already led me to satisfying those expectations from the start.

but eventually, the guns were all on me. haha.

.

2010-06-21T23:56:00.005+08:00

the toys are alive!

2010-06-19T08:02:00.009+08:00

long awaited toy story!

part of the toy story board, missing the new characters though.

barbie and ken and that not-so-tragic-clown. epic really. hahaha.

MUST be involved.

perfection with woody and a cuppa.

key to perfection.

HELLO NORBIN.

tag!

castle ring and a norbin.

something else a while back.

EMPHASIS. always with my support. =)

hope all the tiny elements make a great motivation booooooost.

good luck!

i world cuped till 430am yesterday but i'm up so early and starving. wakeeeeeee up soon so we can eat! haha.

go to bed now.

2010-06-14T14:26:00.020+08:00

i can't believe there was a recent day i broke down in tears due to disbelief and anger. crazy suppressed emotions. the feelings - unspeakable.

and today, something i saw made me feel so uncomfortable sitting here for the past few hours. something i really didn't understand or expect at all.

a long paragraph, followed by an empty space. and some other empty space, casually but readily filled.

many things made me think. alot. =( but i'm so stupid i can't seem to sort out anything.

i realise i always put myself in the worst situations ever. some things are better kept to myself. why do i never learn.

so distracted that i just sold something at a wrong price and i topped up my own cash.

i just want to eat some ice cream.

i just want to travel alone with my travel voucher.

-

2010-06-11T13:31:00.016+08:00

dam. gw.

--

i remember nine and more.

--

my thoughts ran really wild and i thought to myself if it was true, i could still have accepted.

now... probably not.

but maybe too.

i don't know.

--

if anyone were to ask me, i would say yes.

--

and the answer to the question everyone has been asking,

check the time period and some people should know.

--

it's so complex.

--

nothing left of your memories? at all? unbelievable.

and never again. since you don't even bother.

proven.

filled with angst. some things are so minimal, yet so difficult? it's really a joke. i don't believe anymore.

i don't think you'll ever know/realise anything. you won't ever know what went wrong. did you actually try to understand? really, it doesn't matter now. and i have been so used to it that i don't even bother explaining anymore.

all the little things

2010-06-09T12:18:00.014+08:00

i finally couldn't take it and decided to upload images at work. and using paint (not my usual awesome photoshop) to resize it to the perfect size!

lovely online lacey dress of the day.

lace details =)

little things make me happy.

castle ring. my recent new purchase. honestly, the actual item even looks much nicer than this. one of my online shopping 'bingo' plus! and it feels good clicking back to the same site and seeing it labled as 'sold out'. hohoho.

i say good night at work.

plop.

ever since that day, those situations, those words, my heart soured for one last time and it was all over.

epilogue... not.

2010-06-08T11:06:00.019+08:00

been unwell lately. bad headaches, cramps and so much heat in my body. boo to big big ulcer.

bus journey to work this morning was an ordeal. the bus was packed and i hardly had a standing space. then the cramps suddenly came. felt so faint and nearly threw up.

now i'm safely at work resting, with a hot tea! =)

feeling sick just makes me feel like staying home these days. can't believe i spent my recent weekend at home. been having huge vitamin pills lately too. i'm glad i'm pretty good at swallowing since i'm used to downing pills. but keep forgetting to eat them at times. hope it really helps.

studies... it's a problem. now i'm at a lost. i don't wanna think about it but i have to.

this year certainly passed too fast. it just seemed a short while ago that i celebrated my un-fabulous 21st.

many many things seem to be weighing on me but i just can't really figure them out in bits and pieces. majorly should be my trip being denied, studies, some performance and my hair dropping issue!

hmm. just don't think about some things. or... everything.

how i wish i could travel soon. i wanna go aussie and london... for a relaxing TRIP, not anything else! maybe taiwan or japan too. ok, london can be a long-term plan since it's gonna cost a bomb.

dt and rine coming back soon. i am soooo EGGcited to have a full pee photo and a bigger BIG TABOO/BENDY BOB gang. =) (somehow i just keep associating big taboo with purple, or issit just cos' it's my favourite colour!)

rine, i shall go with you when you go back!! and i will attempt to smuggle the huggly koala bears home.
(9p is full of ba dao chongs, we recently commented. but i guess mainly only 3 or 4 are! and i know i'm one of them, inclusive of the 2 overseas pees. haha.)

i miss you.

monster

2010-06-05T01:20:00.020+08:00

happily greedily chomping.

fat! =(

big taboo. and a new found friend: BENDY BOB!

so many shows top my to-watch list! though some not even screening yet. haha.

and today's 'kills' again: lovely floral/lacey dress and a neonish orangey corset! i really ought to stop shopping!! (but it's the gss now....)

it's so boring at work. that sometimes i even feel embarrassed receiving my pay. =X

newly dyed hair 2 days ago, thanks to my 100bucks voucher. my favourite dark ash brown. base darker than faded hair before. but bound to fade again real soon. and i drop so much hair recently. so worrying. =(

nights. tomorrow's gonna be a boring day.

pre, present, post

2010-05-30T01:09:00.018+08:00

camwhore log, photo log/story board.

pre trip.

what? paper work
mood: bored
location: musty little store

--

on trip.

mood: tired but excited, ready to sleep with handy eye mask.
location: 1st day. boos ride.

mood: happy, energized.
location: 2nd day. hotel room.

outfit. lovely river island cardigan detail. cool steal!

map that made me excited.

banana win from funfair stations. not exactly cheap. at all. cos' i kept hooking the ZERO ducks!

i love the sound of the chips.

my topshot 9 bucks dotty stockings! love + superb deal x 100.

hello pees, i gave lion D a life with whiskers and eyes. =) on the right is a super nice brinjal leather pouch i bought in genting which i took more than half an hour contemplating even though i won some money. tell me niao or not.

--

what? birthday celeb
location: party world.

coco exotic from four leaves. yums to all. but not so much to me. originally planned to get awfully chocolate's banana chocolate cake but they were closed! =(

all smiles. (ok mum doesn't really know how to smile in photos)

--

our spontaneous actssss in a day.

on our way to have super spicy thai food. (my direction failure caused them to walk a big round which i am still extremely guilty of. to think i've been there countless times)

after meal digestion activities

intellectual game

our start. forgot to capture a shot of our great finishing words.

my 'hand' of alphabets. random thought: i think anagrams are cool.

fun timed charades.

i think mel looks innocently cute here!

happy hair of the day.

and please please tell me if anyone ever sees cookies and cream hello panda!! =(

where shall i head to tomorrow.....? i'll just decide over sleep. haha. nights.

nothing left

2010-05-27T15:23:00.052+08:00

of course, some people are just selfish. it's all about themselves isn't it?

maybe they changed to be? it could be others who made them become this way but in the end the person who didn't end up receiving all the selfish acts and thoughts.

i'm used to it. and now i choose not to care anymore. it's all proven through many things over a long period of time. i guess this is when one's been hurt too much, they finally become clear-minded.

selfish. the lies. unfeeling. nonchalence.

it's ok, i've accepted that a while ago.

though you took away my pain, you returned it doubled over a longer period of time. that, i can only blame myself for taking so long cos' you simply meant too much.

truly, i've always wanted us to be so close like before again. but i've learnt, through various issues, your reactions/responses depict clearly who you are now. i know, and i will never try or ever wish that you become the selfless person you were ages ago. as long as you're happy now, it really doesn't matter.

friends are very important to me. but i think i don't need unfeeling friends who don't appreciate and only care about themselves. i just know... i have done more than enough. as a friend, a close friend. i really tried my best, all for you silently.

i will only treasure the people who treasure me. and show that they really do.

thought through hard and well. your words/actions, the situations you left me in the lurch, flashed by my mind so quickly. it still hurts every single time it crosses my mind. but subsequently, everything became clear.

even after everything done, after yesterday, my sincere wishes still brought about negative feelings. haha it's really ridiculous. if you had pondered objectively over what i said, you'd know what i meant.

no matter what, i'm still glad that i've done the last thing, which didn't exactly end up too well. but i'm happy enough cos' that's what i really wanted to do.. for you.

no more saying anything, any feelings. no more. be it my problems or even concern for you. not anymore. i don't wanna be seen as someone who's deterring your happiness. cos' i'll never be such a person.

now i'm sure i don't need you in my life anymore. it's me who choose to get out of your life. and yes, no worries. i will definitely move on to the next chapter. it took too long. and i was a fool all along.

not anymore now.

till now, you might not know what went wrong, but maybe someday you would.

it's the end. i choose to say goodbye. still, i'll always remember the good things. thanks for making my best memories in life. =)

shall go look for dg with yummylicious bread later! poor girl. =(

genting pics soooooon!!

and... i hope my appeal gets through.

2010-05-26T14:56:00.020+08:00

taken as a fool.

a real fool.

to believe what you said entirely.

i'm tearing now not because of the harsh truth, but the you whom i've always believed actually lied to me. it's this realisation that hurts.

thinking about it, the timeline proceeded real fast.

things turned sour for us in oct. someone ended in oct.

something still happened in dec.

you were happy once again in feb or maybe even earlier.

i wish i could be like you, seriously.

now, i feel like i'm a fool recovering so slow.

i can ignore the truth. i don't care. but i can't ignore the fact that you lied.

at least i was honest.

if a simple text which didn't get through and something you didn't receive could make you respond so coldly, saying that there's nothing left between us as friends, just shows that you've failed to see my effort. i thought you should have known better. i always do.

or maybe you've forgotten the me you've known for so long.

even if the text or the 2nd thing didn't come your way, isn't the 1st enough to show how willing i am to put in effort for you and that i'll always care? or did you even take that into consideration?

and that nonchalence even when you know it's a possibility that the 2nd thing i put so much effort in could have been missing. you actually just said maybe someone took it, nvm thanks anyway. not even the slightest concern. no worries about it, no questions what it could be, but so hung up about a greeting that didn't come your way? i wonder what means more. and i really don't know anymore.

isn't that being selfish?

i just know... it was the best i've ever done.

and then i found out about the lies.

today made me realise you've never used your heart to appreciate me and feel my efforts. the things i do, the effort i put in, and me as a person... is so redundant.

i'm finally awake.

final

2010-05-20T20:41:00.015+08:00

day and night.

mood board. select appropriate mood of the day.

missing letters provided to receiver for completion of words.

the extremes

left is how i'm feeling now.

spelling error edited but no photo of the final piece.

--

yays. happily skyped dt a while ago!! =) love it love it. yes dt i won't be gw anymore. she was totally tempted by the look of my durian puffs. the ones from causeway point are MAD LOVE. and have fun at berlin, dt love!

--

let's go to london pleeeeeeaseee.

i hate this arising.

2010-05-18T16:14:00.018+08:00

you'll never ever understand. the pain inside. been so long... but still seems like yesterday. 7 months, and still going.

sudden flashbacks of your harsh words and actions fresh in my mind. days i was left in the lurch, all alone, thrown aside like someone who will never ever mean anything to anyone anymore. my painful struggle, but you and your smiles. you were so nonchalent and unfeeling. really, nothing makes much of a difference now.

when a person is happy now, does someone else's sadness just seem to fade into nothingness? and to these people, some things are so easy in their happy world. cos' their happiness is all that matters, not you or your feelings, or anything else.

truly, i'm happy for you. but i know there's never going to be any point telling you anything. you won't understand. you can't feel. you don't know anything or maybe you pretend not to.

hate this inferiority. i wonder when it started to be this way.

but i'm ok. i will be.

i swallowed hard, and pondered hard.

i need to continue to focus.

it'll be over soon.

--

despite all, i'm so appreciative of certain things and people in my life. they make things a tad easier. and it's them who made me alive once again.

amidst the hurt, the fog just seems to clear up more.

sometimes you just can't differentiate anymore.

2010-05-16T03:39:00.002+08:00

time: almost 4am and i'm still here.

for a sole reason.

--

and... a smile and thumbs up for you, genuinely. =)

inferior.

2010-05-15T13:57:00.011+08:00

i don't have the mood to go on anymore.

just don't look.

carry on. late.

i don't know. it's revisiting the pain. recurring.
should it even be me?

tighten up, fasten up

2010-05-13T22:56:00.005+08:00

and i guess...

i'm all set to go.

thank you so much mel. =)

sleeeeeeeepy. so early. but still, off to do some stuff then lights out!

back to zero.

2010-05-12T00:38:00.048+08:00

tired. always. i wonder how and why.

all in a day...

morning at work.

boredom. yes, again. with new nails and new watch!

happy with new nail colour.

then... after a short evening,

i look eyeless.
note: new nails done using diy sticker (i'm so not a manicure addict) in less than a few hours, while still being outside. haha, save my ugly short nails.

been super duper blur these days. distracted and just doing things blindly.

act 1: left a bun and a few pairs of newly bought fake lashes in a fitting room. realised after a shocking 30mins. walked all the way back, only one pair of fake lash left. the person who took it was pretty selective huh. and should i say thanks for at least leaving me with one? oh, guess she doesn't like buns too. =O

act 2: removed my bangle while trying on clothes (again. i told you i'm in a state of fashion madness). left without bangle. hur.

act 3: accidentally cut myself with a metal measuring tape at work. kept bleeding for a while.

careless me. so not a d&t person. =(

bloodified. small wound, but deep cut. and that's toilet paper. haha.

mum's so worried about it being rusty and went on about me possibly dying. she insisted i go for a checkup. lol.

after blur act 3, still me despite the pain!

act 4: forgetting i've removed my contacts and that they're already in the case, i emptied the case and washed them down the sink. =/

randoms. still in diet mode.

hi toffee, quit giving me that pitiful look. or are you sleepy?

on my high priority wish list. =( but guess i'm gonna forgo it.

and weird annoying people do exist. sadly, there are a few near my workplace.

i really wonder what's going on with me. think eventually i'll do it. just simply... the feeling. but i'm soooooo unsure.

i don't think you actually need me though.

nights. sleep tight. =)

just. sleep.

2010-05-08T20:15:00.010+08:00

work. boredom.

side.

mess.

recent fashion frenzy, shopping frenzy. part of the therapy?

over and out.

nights.

Nightmares of you haunting me every single night.

2010-04-28T21:37:00.005+08:00

I believe that friendship was only true just cos' you had feelings for me.

'If true happiness lies with me, I'll still always be there to make you happy.'

Everything said were all lies.

True friends aren't only concerned about their own happiness.

And I should've guessed people are always selfish, no matter how true they were before, how much they promised you before.

In my world, promises are always broken.

I hope this period of my life just tides over soon.

I'm kinda glad I'm partying later. Bye world.

we aimed for the extremes... initially

2010-04-25T05:06:00.024+08:00

it was a weird sat night out.

last minute, random, and late.

late dinner at liang court without me,

on our way to next random last minute destination.

ben and jerry's at dempsey. comfort food. =)

the environment.

1st step: get cosy.

2nd step: go crazy.

advertising potential

my attempt

innocence in action

according to qiqi, too annoying and looks pornstarish.

went from dempsey to chinatown area, wanted to have a view/show of our lifetimes. but... long queueeeee which didn't seem to be moving at all. today isn't a good day.

headed to east coast area, popping by cars nicely parked at secluded corners. but most were either fully covered or misted up (for a purpose of cos'). didn't catch anything. boring. maybe today just isn't a good day.

last stop. they nearly brought me to geylang for good food. if that's the case, it would be my virgin trip there.

in the end, it was simpang bedok, not a place i frequent. tasty prata, and raaz with his horror stories of piaopiaos. meeting py there was an absolute surprise after his countless destinations with his friends around singapore too.

reporting the time: 6.25am. and i'm still here.

it's weird. i'm starting to wonder if you're concerned for me or yourself, just wanting to make yourself feel better and less guilty. but no worries, now that i'm not a part of your concern, does it really matter? just as long as you're happy, i'm ok.

and you can't force me to feel any less or change how i'm feeling. cos' you're not me, you won't understand. and i'm not you. my feelings can't just disappear, as much as i wish they would. there's nothing you can do. sorry.

i don't know how to tell you things anymore... i just know i have to show you i'm ok.

red hot chilli peppers

2010-04-23T01:37:00.013+08:00

I can't believe I bravely attempted to swim today, with my shades and all. And I woke as early as 6am to teach. Anyhows, class didn't feel so good today. Or was it just me?

My swimming attempt only lasted for... half an hour, and I gave up. =(

Then wandered alone in town till evening. It's been 2 days of lonely shopping but it actually seems fine to me. Getting used to it I guess.

And finally, hello to our longawaited xlb feast.

so spicy it gave us all pouty red hot chilli pepper lips.

mmmmmm. satisfying.

the epic jump shot with big round tummies.

I'm sleepy. Interview later... And I'm feeling kinda jittery, not knowing what to expect. =( Really hope it's not what I'm thinking it is.

Some things always cause me to feel this way, spacing out for the longest time ever.

All in all, I'm still always here for you. Though I know, I'm not part of your worries at all, anymore.

Can my feelings just freaking go away......... please.

fuck this pain

2010-04-19T02:16:00.017+08:00

I'm really just not good enough.

I should stay away for a while.

Nobody knows. No one understands. And sometimes it's just hard to find someone to talk to.

I hate these tears now and I hate myself. And hate how my expressions are written all over.

Dt asked me an important question. The answer is a yes. Somehow deep within me, I'm happy you've found yourself.

I know, I've lost mine. But I'm still searching...

And I've come to a point that I don't really care what people think of me anymore. People who know me, know me for who I am, and who I'm not. Others, judge for all you like.

Bottomline is. I still care for people I care about so much.

--

No matter what, I guess the only thing I'm grateful about is... this epic night.

Thank you.

waiting

epic crew

cutiecutie

clonie love

cosy up

I'm tired. I missed that you.

And thanks mel.

loop

2010-04-16T00:32:00.013+08:00

Dance. Trying not to let the fear sink in.

A short talk with my ex colleagues recently made me realise my casual comment of a photo in my camera could say a million words. They said it was my tone. A few simple meaningless words, and the emotion came through so strongly? Or was it the look in my eyes?

Hello little elmo, I feel alone.

And I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. =(

Tired of searching for you.

Tired of not knowing what else I can do for you.

Maybe just tired of not seeing you in you anymore.

But somehow, I'm still having that courage. =)

you get both riches and kisses

2010-04-13T00:40:00.010+08:00

random pictures of that sleepless night. the first chalet i didn't drink a single sip at all.

on way there

before the noisy games

clonie's way of killing time at 6am in the morning.

my way of killing time. and watching gossip girl

awesome picture taken on sdd prelims.

i just need someone to tell me i can do it.

--

and i do think py is quite a nice guy after all. =)

--

i miss overseas pees. =(

tippy toe

2010-04-09T02:12:00.014+08:00

I've lost in every single thing, forgotten in every possible way.

That friend, and the special meaning of 'girl'... I remember it used to feel so warm.

Somehow, I wish I didn't have such strong feelings for you all along... It would have been easier.

And how ironic when you used to ask me not to 'throw you away'.

--

SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING SOMETIMES.

BUT HANG IN THERE.

I need more strength to pull through.

Someone, please just leave with me...

you, and your silliness i love.

all erased.

It could have been.

2010-03-17T11:48:00.000+08:00

That hostile nonchalence.

I don't even fit into the 'friend' category.

Some things are so clear, clear enough to hurt so badly, silently.

I thought it just wasn't you to not notice, but you really didn't. Not the
slightest bit of concern.

And it's so weird. I once asked myself if I would and could accept everything about you. I was just so sure that I wouldn't mind a single thing at all.

But now, things are just as simple as what it seems and that's it.

I had so much faith all along, believing it wouldn't end this way so easily.

But I was wrong. It just did, straight smack in my face.

the white queens?

2010-03-16T00:12:00.020+08:00

Sometimes, people just can't seem to give chances. Afraid? Maybe.

Or sometimes, people just care too much about how others think.

Recent real life examples and some people I talked to, made me realise that if a love is true, anything can be overcome. People learn to accept mistakes and imperfections about the other party and still come together strong, or even stronger than before. It's so heartwarming to know that, yet disheartening cos' it didn't happen to me. Was the love true?

If someone really means so much and you still care, you wouldn't be so nonchalent. Or just cos' there's someone else in your eyes now that the previous person cease to exist totally, in such a short time frame?

I'm not someone who gets over and forgets that easily. I really can't. But it just seems easy for you, and I never knew that.

To think that person who took away all my pain ended up to be someone who hurt me most, maybe without even realising it.

No matter what, you're not good for nothing. At least not in my eyes, maybe it doesn't even make a difference though.

But it's ok, now I know it all. I won't ruin your life anymore.

--

Everyone was busy with many things, so I was doing stuff alone most of the time and it made me think alot.

I was almost locked in the backstage.

And I received an unexpected call at the most unexpected time.

that precious sparkle

2010-03-09T00:39:00.013+08:00

I really didn't think much of it... Now I realise I'm being taken advantage of. It just didn't seem so easy to reject, but I should have. I'm stupid.

Maybe cos' there isn't this someone anymore, my immediate outlet whom I always talk to about every single thing the second it happens.

--

That ever so precious smile. You might not know, but it still means so much to me.

Seek comfort in all the good things.

Though the emptiness in my heart sometimes kills. I just feel and know. It's someone else now.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

twist and drink

2010-03-04T23:56:00.018+08:00

jim beam global asia performance! =)

must show the shirt. haha.

my dope performance hair

... by da ling

it's all ice!!

mirror camwhore

--

My knuckle’s still pain from the blow months ago. And injury’s killing me when I dance.

I miss how you always gave me that tingling sense of anxiety when I was with you. And I'm sure you knew that. I miss the happiness and little surprises. I miss all the never-ending goodbyes and goodnights which still seemed like yesterday. That girl who once had a place in your heart. Genuine feelings, nothing close to guilt or anything else.

But I guess after everything, I’ve lost all my feelings. As much as I want to, my heart doesn’t remember how it felt like anymore.

I need something to make me human again.

--

And… byebye workspace. It’s so soon, like in such a hurry. Or maybe qiqi’s right, things just seem better cos’ it’s gonna be over. Anyway, all’s too late.

i miss...

2010-02-24T01:07:00.012+08:00

That fun yet grueling audition. Got into 2 items which i really like and wanted. I'm happy, but I have to give one up.

It's ok though. I know the priorities! And it's all gonna be worth it. =)

--

Hampers for new year and I had a share this time round! They might seem huge but they are actually pretty light, consisting of cheap expiring stuff like peanuts, with a kind mixture of wine, abalone and whatnots. Oh, I received an XO in mine too. What can I do with it? Whip up a meal of xo fishhead bee hoon at home? haha.

There was a 2nd draw and I was lucky to get something again. A… bottle of wine. And it’s still standing tall on my desk.

Speaking of which, I oughta clear my belongings at my workplace real soon.

Yes, even the wine.

A part of me died wondering, pondering and confirming according to my own assumptions.

it's still flaming

2010-02-22T11:32:00.002+08:00

I’m so thankful. =)

At least I still feel the love and concern which means so much to me, always. For you all, I will pick everything up again, stronger than before. Love it like before, if not more.

I will do my best from now on and nothing less. Enjoy every moment of it even though there’re oughta be unhappy discussions, weariness, and high tension at times. But this is what makes it even stronger and better. I have confidence that everything will turn out great. I just know it, cos’ this is the best I could ever ask for.

Thank you.

--

Yesterday’s audition was an eye-opener. It was really... just wow! Haha. Fun though, and I’m so glad for the people in my audition group, just makes me feel so much better, more secure and less nervous. Forgot some steps but all still seems fine I guess. =)

And I’m so blur I forgot the submission of documents! Don’t wanna lose a chance cos’ of my absentmindedness. Cross my fingers that it’s still possible.

Sighs. And rine is also leaving real soon, for an even longer time. =(

tomato ketchup

2010-02-20T20:32:00.014+08:00

cny has been pretty empty this year.

a reunion dinner the day before, insisted by my uncle. if not, we wouldn't have been there due to my late grandpa.

uncle's dog, cuteeeee and tame!

ok some love to naughty toffee too, getting comfy on the table beside the computer and seemingly enjoying! it was supposed to be a punishment since he was being so noisy (but apparently, failed)!

other than that, cny was spent at home all day with headaches as companion. only received my first and only red packet last thurs. and it was from... my boss. just a nice gesture to start the year i guess.

and there was sam's birthday blast a while back too! the night before my company's event. 1st night of drinks.

nothing much, just danced abit and had to leave early. but i knew she still had an awesome night. i know they hopped somewhere else with great view. ;) sometime soon again!

the theme of the night almost nobody followed.

sam looking great!

work's been busy but i'm getting fine with it so yeappp, still seems all right.

random. NEEEEEEEWWW fragrance. previous one used up in almost exactly a year, one i really loved.

149 for this! but... thanks to the christmas vouchers from my company, it's FREE! =) how lovely.

and i've been thinking. yep, although i fall sick so very often, i can be independent. i know i'll do just fine being alone, and i will prove it.

pump it up

2010-02-12T11:08:00.004+08:00

Two nights ago was so vague, with fuzzy flashbacks.

All I know is… I woke with swollen eyes the next morning.

Don’t look back. Don’t look for a person who doesn’t exist now.

Yes, people judge you. But I’m not one of them. I’ve never been.

This person now judges and assumes before knowing facts. And sadly, this person is now judging me.

Judgmental statement: I spent that day out of remorse.

Fact: It wasn’t out of remorse, but simply a strong feeling from my heart and I wanted to.

Guess you couldn’t be bothered to listen or believe.

And it’s not according to you to tell me whether something is worth it or not. Don’t speak as though you know every single thing, understand every single feeling/emotion. At least, don’t answer for me cos’ you don’t really know.

There’s no need to explain certain things. No matter what I say, even if it means the true reasons/feelings behind everything, this person now just doesn’t feel, care, understand and never believes anymore.

Why?

This person now only perceives issues from own beliefs and assumptions. It’s cognitive dissonance - thinking what the truth is but in fact, isn’t.

There’s a reason why I don’t drink koi anymore.

New memories, please come by to ease the pain.

--

Two nights of drinks. I guess I feel numb. =) Just like how anesthetics work.

Company event night! Some idol contest.

hbo idol contest. a bunch of really nice people.

before the contest commencement.

drinks in hand. must got seh. =p (a bullshit theory my manager recently taught me)

my yellow team. surprisingly, they were quite a good sport.

bak gua. almost gone. the guys were really nice, they kept asking about me every few minutes and insisted someone send me home, to make sure i was safe. but i rejected their kindness.

i merlioned when i reached home. but somehow i just didn't feel anything anymore. =)

Found today: A broken body

2010-02-08T13:39:00.008+08:00

Vivid memories, accompanied by slowly fragmenting objects of the past. A significant sign, undeniable.

I love my bomberman shirt. And the company in process of the thoughtful selection made it more lovable.

=)

Considering black patent dolly ballet heels.

Old injury's hurting so much that it's even hard to walk at times. =(

Warmth, the lost feeling I need.

2010-01-27T14:38:00.011+08:00

Dear blank space,

This morning, I received a mail again.

It sent cold chills down my spine, slowly but surely, disrupting any bit of sanity left in my mind.

My heart froze, almost on the verge of extreme numbness.

Tears welled but couldn’t flow. It was too cold.

Freezing. In here.

But it doesn’t matter.

Suddenly, my feelings have become so abstract that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore.

Touch your heart, keep feeling. And if you’re happier now, I’ll be ok.

I’ve never had any sense of resentment, at all. So what if I hate, so what if I love? Nothing can ever mean more than you.

I know, I will not hold on to my beliefs anymore.

Over and out.

Terrible appetite lately, to the point that I don’t even seem to eat.

Somehow I wish hot green tea makes me drunk. But nope, it keeps me more awake. I'll need the real thing.

It’s ok, I’ll be ok. Just keep moving, keep dancing.

Sometimes, leaving might be the best way to make someone happy. Even though you won't be able to see his smiles, hear his laughs, at least you know, he is, without you.

Yes, cos’ I think for you so much, I’m smiling again. =)

It's icy cold here.

2010-01-26T12:04:00.022+08:00

Dear empty space,

I received a mail this morning.

All it took was an effortless click.

Thoughts misted my mind, feelings engulfed my heart, yet I was speechless.

My vision caved in as the text emerged before my eyes, void of the slightest touch of warmth and feelings. Gradually, my vision blurred. As much as I hoped my mind was unclear, the screen’s text remained absolutely lucid.

When people change, it's such a sudden drastic difference. People whom you once felt so close to, become unfeeling strangers, who simply lack the courage to feel with their hearts, also losing their ability to feel from the ones who truly care about them. I've always been feeling.

Sometimes, just take a moment to feel... will you?

I wonder how people manage to take things so easily, able to let go so quickly of something they held on so dearly to in the past cos' it meant the world to them. And they once said things that sounded so perfect, so assuring. It's great if it's better for you, but I can't.

That’s life. Nothing lasts forever.

I ask myself if I’ve tried my best, if I’ve done enough, if I could’ve done better. I know the answer best. Things I’ve done are all heartfelt. I let my heart lead my actions.

It’s pointless holding on.

Not everyone remembers promises, not everyone keeps them, and not everyone mean what they say.

Accept it. You’re not needed. You’re redundant, optional.

I was still gleefully holding on to the simplicity that came by. Happiness - deriving from smiles, hasty glances, short greetings and conversations. It’s amazing. Sometimes, I wonder when I ever became so simple.

But I'm happy. I’ll leave smiling. =)

Mel, you're wrong. not everyone will be.

Random rant. My old injury is back, and it hurts so bad.

My wish for you.

2010-01-25T11:02:00.031+08:00

If only I could care less,

If only I could feel less,

It wouldn’t hurt so much.

Have you ever felt so helpless cos’ you’re clueless about someone you care about so much?

Have you ever felt someone doesn’t care cos’ he/she doesn’t show? (or perhaps, they really don't care)

It's scary how fast people change, they won’t even realise it. It's not something you can stop. It's nature, a passing phase. And there’s no point in explaining the difference. Cos’ to them, there isn’t any change. The new person is who they’ve always been.

Once people change, they forget at an alarming speed and you’re not part of their lives like in the past anymore. All memories about you seem to have purged and there’s no meaning left. Then, the cold harsh truth remains no matter how hard you try. You cease to exist... now.

It’s incongruous.

In some ways, I’ve so much courage cos’ I care so much. But sometimes, I hide like a dumb coward. But it might just be a way to protect myself.

I admire some people with the courage to pursue things/people they love and ignore how the world looks at them. They dare to take risks, to fight for their happiness. Ultimately, it’s about them, not people who barely know them and end up judging using their own benchmark.

All these while, I’ve learnt the hard way. Just keep mum, don’t reveal your feelings. So when people don’t care/ask/respond, there’s still a comforting reason to hold on to – they don’t know. But when all’s revealed, you’re left vulnerable and when people know but they don’t care (or don’t care as much as you expect them to), the ugly truth stands before you, eventually hurting you twice as much.

Maybe that’s the reason why I choose to hide or run away. A coward, hiding from the pain I’ve been through for so long, cos’ I’m afraid, so fearful of consequences that would end up hurting myself again. Or maybe I've been too brave for too long.

And I always end up doing the wrong things which don't seem to convey my intentions well. I'm really sorry. =/

My heart's still beating, and bleeding.

And... thank you all these while for respecting me. Truth be told, I haven’t been happy. You know it, you feel it...

Things and times I miss. I'll make sure I find another cookie monster, a little monster to hold on to dearly. =)

Hello dt. I miss you so. I want to party with you...

Realisations on a usual day.

2010-01-21T09:30:00.006+08:00

It struck me hard that day when you told me, even so you wouldn’t be happy.

No chances given. Nothing tried.

The next day, I realised how much you feel you wouldn't be, making it more real as a fact that if it were to happen, you really wouldn’t be, since your thoughts have already driven your expected emotions even without trying.

That paints the full picture. And I’m sure of what I want and what to do now. I just know the last thing I’ll ever do is to make you unhappy. Cos' your happiness matters most. My simple thoughts for you. =)

And... such a great disappointment recently. But I just have to live with it.

do you?

2010-01-12T09:58:00.010+08:00

Screw me. I’m such a pessimist.

I've come to realise, it's been quite a long while. But nothing ever changed. Yes, in multiple contexts.

And I saw it missing. Guess you took it off. To you, there should be no meaning in it anymore then. But it's ok. At least it once had. =)

Staring hard at the email in my saved folder teary-eyed, I started to wonder if they were all lies. But be it facts or lies, that shouldn’t matter already.

What matters is a fact that I care so much, and your well being is most important now. And albeit being unappreciated, I've exhausted all means and ways, just to make sure you’re doing fine. =) That’s really all I can do...

I have no regrets. I've always considered you a priority, but I guess... I'm only an option.

And to you, I'm really sorry. But you always knew my feelings.

Remember to pop your happy pills, moderately.

2010-01-11T16:41:00.010+08:00

Hello hiho.

You know you can you can you can! Hang in there. I know you won’t give up. You just can’t, especially not at this time. Remember, you’ve all that you need/want or even don’t need/don't want, to spur you on. haha...

Everything will be just fine. I just know it. Like how 2010 will be amazing, and I just know it. ;)

Haha... and I just seem to realise you are about everything else but everything to me is about you. But it's ok, cos' I care so much! =) Though kinda disappointed and hurt over some things, it doesn’t really matter after all. I just wanna follow my heart despite my ignorance about everything.

Still, I marvel at my courage and ability to be so strong. Haha... self praise. Of cos’ there are still aspects I should be a lot stronger. I will be. To myself - no more feeling hurt! =)Cos’ you’re what matters most.

Bah, I hate thinking about tonight. =’( Will miss you, dt... so much. I'll send you my faraway love. I hope you do too!

I always watched your back as you leave.

i spy... with my broken heart.

2010-01-07T23:37:00.011+08:00

A few envelopes, words, promises.

And I cried myself to sleep last night.

But I will be strong.

Good night, sleep tight. =) 4 days, 4 coloured papers, 3 missing words, and a final puzzle. I do too... so much.

revelation

2010-01-05T23:39:00.010+08:00

Looking back, 2009 was a terrible year, in every aspect.

So much disappointment, confusions, unhappiness, and feelings involved. It was difficult to tide through cos’ of all the bad things that happened.

Friends. I have neglected the ones truest to me, and closest to my heart. There were times, I didn’t think for them enough when I clearly could, but just too carried away with myself and whatever on hand at that moment.

As for some others, I put in effort, just to receive nonchalance. I tried, and I wanted to treat them well. But maybe it was too much for people who don’t appreciate me enough.

And others who have been constantly by my side making sure I’m doing ok, thank you so much. It all boils down to little simple things and details. Still, disappointments are always inevitable.

My resolution. For the people who mean so much and whom I mean so much to, I will put my best foot forward. I can, and will do much more.

Feelings. Too much uncertainty, external pressure, and thinking with the mind. In retrospect, I should have felt so much more with my heart. But I was too unsure and didn’t know the answer was so clear all along.

Time waits for no man, man waits for no others. In short, time and people never wait. My hesitation, insecurities and stupidity plunged myself into a slow and painful struggle I never expected. When the dark clouds cleared, the day I was finally sure, retribution came robbing my happiness away.

So much happened in a year. So overwhelming that it felt much longer. Yes, I was filled with regrets.

As the year moves forward, it dawned on me that I can never get the past years back. The times I used to smile genuinely due to a happy factor. And I always know... this happy factor is irreplaceable.

Thanks to you though, who never failed to be there for me throughout, during the times I felt so hurt. You only had one simple wish – for me to be happy. Unfortunately, I’m not. I know you tried so hard, the best you could. And I truly appreciate you beyond words. But I’m sorry for being so truthful all along. The only comfort is that at least you always knew.

A brand new year, I just hope for the fresh wounds to heal and leave me as scars, though it might take a long time. I can never be as happy as before.

Even so, my resolution is to be a whole new me, hoping to be happier soon, occupying myself with meaningful things, people or even being alone. Things to fill up my emptiness for a while, and plaster smiles for a moment, hoping that moment would prolong and the smiles stay to become laughs. Enjoy simplicity, let every simple happiness last.

Family. Things were pretty ok the past year. Though not very often, I managed to make time for them. Trips, outings and sumptuous dinners. I know I tried. I really did. But at times when I didn't feel good about my own issues, I lost my temper at them, which was always unnecessary.

But when you’re feeling so down, so upset, so hurt that you feel like you’re gonna break down any moment, do you even wish to talk? Sorry I can’t. And the only thing I wanna do is shut myself in my room and be alone, or just pretend to be asleep. I really don’t want them to be worried about me.

This year, I hope to spend more time with them and control my temper. Must be nice and patient towards them, and try my best to be home earlier. =)

Dance. A year of setbacks, struggles, disappointments, frustrations and hopelessness. Always wanted the best in myself but I’ve never seemed to achieve that. Overly high expectations of myself or I just failed drastically?

But I just know... whenever I get involved in something, I always gave my all.

Early part of the year, there was concert. I struggled tremendously and it was so stressful, with only hours of training every week. I’m glad I persevered and pulled through with all the support and we had a great show eventually. At least during then, I knew my confidence was still there.

Later part of the year, we trained hard for Jim Beam. To be honest, my confidence fell but I made sure it didn’t affect the team and myself. And we made it against all odds.

Work always got in the way of my dance endeavours and I never had a choice. Giving up countless opportunities, I ended up with insecurities and serious lack of confidence. I couldn’t compete or perform for so many events.

My confidence took an extreme downturn.

I just keep doubting myself. Now, I dance with such great insecurities, feeling so unconfident all the time. It’s by far the lowest self esteem I’ve ever had and I feel so lousy. And I really am. So much courage is needed to pull myself together.

But I know I have to. And I can. And I want to. I refuse to bow down to circumstances which are the controlling factors. I just have to start doing it. But sometimes, I don’t even get chances again, which makes it even harder in believing in myself. Cos'... it just feels like people don’t even believe in me anymore.

This year, I just have to try harder and not let anything deter me. Get the courage. Dance harder, gain back that lost confidence. I just need to always tell myself I can. Enjoy and don’t ever give up on dance, cos’ dance will never give up on you. Yeah, easier said than done, but I will really try.

Health. Bad. Fell ill so frequently that it's so tiring and exhausting. Can't seem to take care of myself well cos' I always tend to forget the right things to eat/do. =( Will try and take care whenever I can, or whenever I remember.

Finance. Spent too much the past year cos' of all the 21st parties and my own meaningless stuff. Time to really scrimp and save.

Studies. This is the year. Time to study and say bye to everything else. The fees cost a bomb. I will study real hard.

All in all, I need more time. Hard to come by, but I will make it happen.

And I'm glad the year started off pretty well. Thanks loves. =)

record

2009-12-28T12:17:00.012+08:00

Thank you, beloved 9p. Sorry for making you girls worry so much when you all are so busy with other stuff.

We don’t even meet often but I just know, and feel that I always form the thoughts at the back of their minds, which makes them want to spare time to just be there for me. Unknowingly, I merge into their top priorities together with stuff on-hand which could have been much more important than mere me.

Whereas others may care but somehow other important stuff gradually fills them up, and I become something random that just seems to be missing. Then slowly, forgotten about. I've learnt. People disappoint you at times you don't really expect them to. And I've come to realise how easily words are being said, but not meant.

Thanks so much, pees. Everything’s much appreciated. I admit, we don’t really meet often cos’ other than work, I lack the effort to make things happen. I’m sorry. I’m just too whirled up in my own emotional world that nothing gets in.

I don’t even want to meet people, or engage in any social activities I would normally feel hyped about, judging from the good ol’ me. But that sleepless night was lovely. I promise to try harder for you girls.

The trip wasn’t so much of the dream trip I longed for since I had 9 days of leave. Wasn’t utilized to the fullest at all. Plus, I fell really sick upon arrival. Even the medicine couldn’t help subside the fever and flu at all.

Mum just kept saying I was unlucky, always falling ill when we travel. But I’m still glad my family seems happy.

new hair, and i'm back to the old me

uncomfortable boos journey there

it was pretty cold but nice

at the hotel lobby

our arrival

to be readily checked by the casino staff

fat snacks

hiding in a confined space

hotel boredom

my hard-earned win

sis’ favourite jackpot machine which i lost so much money on. but i loved this other cute little piggie machine.

jackpot boredom

buffet breakfast

downhill

nice boos back

Merry Christmas to the loves.

decorated sai’s monkey (vanny the tranny?) with my props

more-than-just-awesome presents. sorry that i didn’t get presents for anyone this year, other than the dg-lookalike turtle i got on my trip.

higher than expectations carrot cake by dg, in an esprit box

midnight fondue, followed by cup noodles for them. but i have high tolerance due to the persistent fatty feeling i always have

a rare shot of us all

bangs frenzy

Dt dt, please give me your address, I want to post my countless self-taken shots/random photos and letters to you. I want to send you parcels. I want to visit you out of impulse someday, reach there and realise I have no winter clothes then freeze to death. If it really happens, I know you’ll lend me your snow stuff!

Wounds heal over time. They just become scars and stay for life. But at least, they wouldn’t hurt anymore.

I smiled, cos’ you should be happy now. =)

treachery

2009-12-17T18:02:00.013+08:00

If a time machine exists, I’d give up everything for a ride in it.

No more implications, nor obligations, marking the end of entanglement, the end of pain.

If I were to vanish one day, nothing will ever change. Not a slightest bit. One thing for sure, I foresee my phone ringing for what seems like forever. And the caller could only be my mum.

The clocks won’t stop ticking.

The globe still rotates at that appalling slow speed no one ever realises, just like my unearthly disappearance.

The sun rises from the east, sets in the west... without fail.

Missing a mate to dance with, to laugh with... Anyone with the same passion could replace that role, easily.

A random stranger missing from the morning bustling crowd. One less seat occupied on the bus, which someone will hastily fill...

Life goes on.

Nothing ever changes.

Lost all hope now. It’s a thin vine I’m holding on to, struggling to pull through. Just lie that everything will be ok even though it's not... and I'll be just fine.

It’s scary when the vociferous noises around you become a deafening silence, and you can only hear your own booming thoughts.

Dear little dragon from a faraway magical land, can you grant wishes?

the end of the line.

2009-12-16T09:19:00.003+08:00

Dear friend,

Wish you were here to go through all these pain with me. I know you’re the one who can ease everything.

After all, you were the one who understood me most.

Love,

But reality kills.

Sometimes, when trying isn't enough...

2009-12-15T16:32:00.003+08:00

I’m just never good enough for anything...

or for anyone.

i'm not wonderful... at all.

2009-12-14T11:28:00.020+08:00

Yes, it was definitely the last.

It hurts so much, knowing that it wasn’t cos’ of your feelings.

This marks the end. I couldn’t be more hurt than this cold harsh truth.

I asked for it. Finally, I know it was long gone.

As for me... I really can’t be better for now. I'm so tired. Been so hurt, all cos’ of myself... and no one else. I wonder... if it ever hurts you too listening to those things I said. I wonder if you even felt a thing...
Cried too much. I've lost all my strength to push on. Can't ever be the same old me anymore. Sorry.

And I guess... your opinion of me will never change.

I won’t ever blame you for the person you’ve become, as long as you’re happy and well now. All I’ll do is to just hold on to the memories we shared, cos’ you’re the most beautiful thing that happened in my life.

So upset, upon realising people who are so important to me are leaving soon. More emptiness in my life.

I really wanna leave real soon too. For now, dt... I wish I could go with you... so badly.
Unbelievable, but I would go through the excruciating pain in the past again, just cos’ I had you there with me.

lonely christmas

2009-12-11T10:46:00.013+08:00

I can’t see the smiles anymore.

Can’t feel my smiles anymore.

Why do I always put myself in situations with tremendous hurt... again and again.

Early Christmas, to convey my simple wishes... to make you smile once again. I just didn’t want any regrets. But I guess I did wrong. Santa was terrible.

This time, I promise... it’s the last. I’m sorry. Are you glad?

Now I'm so sure... so sure that nothing will ever change. I’m too hurt to be ok... There are so many things you never knew. But now, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

No more stress, no more woes. I’m leaving... for good. So, will you smile now?

I wanna leave soon, to somewhere far far away. Time will fly...

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

I miss my old friend... so much. Someone not inside you anymore. That special someone I’ll never forget. I know this person will never be the same in my life again, but might just be the same old him in many others' lives. It's ok. I smiled, cos' I once knew you. At least I still have memories I'll hold on dearly and never let go, no matter where I go... just to remember you, and that I ever existed in your life...

The story ends here.

2009-11-30T17:57:00.000+08:00

The story which never started.

During those times, I was hurt. It was a tough period for me. My heart was in pain, I stared into space and started tearing. I wished I had someone there for me, to listen and talk to. To just be there. I thought of you at my lowest point, the cute cheery person whom I knew just a while ago. Someone I felt so comfortable with, joking and just chatting.

I tried texting you, telling you my feelings… and texts eventually became calls. The first time - I remember you as a great listener but I was so afraid to bother you. You sounded stern and cold, but as we talked, I gradually felt the warmth in your voice – something that could only be felt with the heart. Initially, they were sad calls. I always sobbed as I spoke.

With you around, I slowly felt better and those sad calls became nightly happy chats we both thought were indispensable.

At some event, we were the only two who stayed up whole night, chatting and doing random stuffs. Then, we headed home. Upon realising there was a bus that goes near your home then to mine, we took a really long bus ride home. And we both fell asleep. After you alighted, I was thankful for your silent company. It was such an incredible journey and feeling.

Some birthday, you accompanied me during the hectic preparation and then watched me leave for the celebration. On that same night, being so afraid I would be upset, you created a little surprise at my void deck involving branches, leaves and smiley faces, hoping to cheer me up if I were to have a bad time. Unfortunately, I only managed to catch a little of those.

I was frantically looking for a job then. And thanks to you, I got a great job. A part time job I could surf the web, watch videos, listen to music and get paid. My first day - I was texting you all along, chatting… passing time. But you suddenly stopped. I thought you were busy so I ignored. The next moment, I looked up and saw 2 familiar faces walking in. It took me a while to register. It was you, and your friend. You came with my favourite bubble tea. We chatted and your friend left shortly.

The clock ticked as you stayed in your seat beside me, accompanying me through my first day of work. Feeling distracted by my thoughts and feelings, I made a major mistake and I panicked. It took a long time. But you waited and helped me solve the problem, keeping me calm at the same time. Then, we ate soggy fries together and headed home separately. I smiled.

I remember you coming by, just to pass me herbal tea. I remember you waiting for hours and hours on many occasions, just for me to end work. I remember you getting lost before near the area but still finding your way to my favourite mochi place, warming it a little with your palms while you walked to my workplace, so it wouldn’t be too cold for my teeth.

A random day. I baked a polyshrink which I drew and coloured myself, making into a handy keychain. I don’t remember how but I went to your home area, just to pass you that little envelope containing the cookie monster polyshrink.

After dance one day, I was texting you as usual and I told you I was famished. You continued texting asking my whereabouts. You hopped onto my bus halfway through my journey with a nice fresh burger.

Another bus ride on another day, I met you at the stop which I usually took the next bus. You were there waiting, with a box of sushi in your hands. I gobbled everything up. But I was truly glad I didn’t finish the salmon sushi in one bite. There was a little bling key embedded under the slice of salmon. I was pleasantly surprised and wonder how you always manage to do these amazing magical things.

One normal day after work, you waited and picked me up, telling me your plans to go to a place for me to relax. Night safari. It was awesome. But sadly, I was tired so we left quite early.

A random bus journey, I was texting you. Thoughts filled my mind and I cried on the bus. I alighted at the wrong stop and it was dark and void of life. I was scared. You were at the next stop. I walked in tears, trying to get to you. You ran the highway, reaching me fast and told me everything was ok. Although I was choking on my tears, I knew… Cos’ you were there.

Everytime I performed, I received flowers from you. Not just one. But a bouquet. And you always manage to do that without fail.

On a special occasion, you waited hours for me to reach home, just to pass me a huge board, exquisitely handmade with beautiful photos. It was impeccable. You said it wasn’t nicely done. That was just a humble lie.

We were so close. I wonder when this happy friendship became this weird happy relationship. I always laughed so hard with you. I was truly happy. Always.

And gradually, on your side the feelings involved was more than just simple friendship. You just never knew there were feelings on both sides all along.

Maybe I wasn’t ready, not yet recovered from the hurt. Maybe I was just afraid of how others would see us. Or maybe both played a part.

Somehow, things turned sour, probably cos’ of the emotional attachment. Oversensitivity and many negative feelings derived from actions and words. Maybe you were just too afraid to lose me and what we had after all these while.

I gave you a long while of cold treatment cos’ I couldn’t breathe and just needed some space to feel happy once again. I didn’t even want to talk to you much.

After which, things turned out fine again. You, still being the perfect friend you were before. A changed person… for the better. But during those times, you went through so much hurt cos’ of me, inflicted by me.

Still, there is one reason why I always have happy lunches and happy kois.

Events leading the downturn are skipped. But it just happened. Too much happened. Maybe cos’ you’ve been through too much hurt by me. Words are free. Promises are costly.

I tried. But sorry to myself, I can never pick up the pieces again. There is only myself to blame. Too much hurt has been involved. On my side too. And I’m sorry. All’s lost.

I know this doesn’t have a logical ending cos’ it just doesn’t seem like the way to end.

But not all stories have a happy ending.

At least not mine.

bye

2009-11-30T09:39:00.000+08:00

Been a few days…

I cried.

I vomited.

I feel sick.

I feel the shivers.

And sharp pain lingering from the hurt.

I’ve never felt this much pain since years ago.

I guess the person I’ll always blame and can never forgive is myself, more than anyone else.

I hate myself.

It’s retribution.

So fucking regret everything.

This must be how depression feels like.

Random guilty pleasure: Runny eggs.

2009-11-20T11:49:00.001+08:00

Christmas caroled with the loves yesterday. At least it kept me happy and excited for some time, distracting me from the periodic glance at my phone.

Awesome 3D effects. Feels like you’re traveling with the characters. Great effects also proven by the super blurry screen when you remove the glasses.

Overall, it was enjoyable although I couldn’t really make out some conversations cos’ there weren’t subtitles and the characters spoke in a strong british accent.

--

My future home. Dreams are free anyway.

Monochrome with thoughtful splashes/tinges of colours.

Modern, sleek and sheek.

The 2nd floor looks like a potential glass studio.

Colours can be great too. But the first is still my favourite.

All the above must include the legendary glass studio.

--

Boo.

Feel kinda sick today. Bad throat and cough...

--

And.

I hate assholes.

Nuff’ said.

when i start to mean nothing, i try to make my life more meaningful.

2009-11-19T16:46:00.003+08:00

I wanna do more meaningful things with my life all of a sudden, to enrich myself. Or maybe... to occupy myself.

Who cares? Nonetheless, it’s for the better. A perfect getaway from any unhappiness.

Dance. Improve. Go for more classes, even thinking of taking up ballet classes. At this age… Hmm… But nothing’s impossible.

Take up a third language. Learning online for now.

Save money. But according to my monthly goal and the expenses breakdown chart I just drafted, it’s really very tough.

Probably dressmaking? Just a sudden thought that recently struck me.

Time constraints though. Work’s taking up the bulk of my time, and energy. Really draining. But it’s all for the money.

Without work and money, I can’t save. With work, I have no time for other stuff. Everything contradicts huh. But it’s an essential, I know.

And I’m not complaining, just thinking. Don’t really have much time before I’m off to study next year. Will always try my best.

--

My office has a sweet thief. Yeah, an interesting thief with a sweet tooth. My jar of ‘sticky’ sweets had 1/3 of it missing after I came back on a Monday (esp. the lime rock da ling bought me). That was the first time I noticed, like 3 weeks ago?

Still seems to be diminishing over the weeks. Lime rock’s all gone now, when I don’t even remember eating the last one. The rainbow ones seem unpopular.

The ‘thefts’ must have happened after I leave on Fridays or during the weekends. But I’m glad my ‘protectors’ of sweets - family of mr and ms smiley didn’t go missing.

--

Random outburst.

I don’t think one should bother so much about what others think. Ultimately, people who really know you will stand by you, and truly understand the sort of person you are. Whereas when others form judgements so easily based on what they see/think, why would you even bother? Doesn’t this just show that they don’t even know you, and don’t really care?

Search deep within, and you’ll find an answer.

Gone are my chance cards.

2009-11-18T09:19:00.008+08:00

I can’t even sleep or eat.

Hurts so much that I don’t think I can even tide through work.

I mean nothing... at all. This just shows what you truly want.

What is true happiness? I don’t know.

Really. Nothing matters anymore.

Just leave me alone.

Bye.

--1633hrs

I really dislike how people can read me like a book, even if they don’t really know me, they can roughly get to the synopsis page. Thanks to the emotions written all over my face. It might just lead to consequences I never expected. Not good.

I need a harder cover. It’s a skill I have to master, to hide behind the mask.

Control.

--

The third person sees it best, and you saw through me.

But in this case, cos’ you know me so well, I don’t dislike you seeing through me at all. It’s appreciation. And you made things even clearer.

Thanks alot. =) I know you truly care about me and don’t wanna see me struggling anymore.

desires.

2009-11-17T12:27:00.002+08:00

I wish to be on a luxurious flight... off to somewhere nice.

--

I wish for… a nice, cosy, warm, designer state-of-the-art home.

Other than a modern living room, a room of substantial space should be set aside, surrounded by glass panels. Not forgetting one of the walls installed with full length mirrors, complete with a stereo and probably a small cushion corner for essential resting.

The purpose of this room speaks for itself.

And I dream...

--

Sudden weird lousy feeling. From certain things, words and thoughts...

Raar.

Blame it on pms or something. =(

kob-khun-ka

2009-11-16T09:37:00.002+08:00

me misses 9p.

me hopes exams/assignments go well for them. it’ll be playtime soon.

me wants a getaway anywhere with anyone for a crucial time to relax.

me is feeling a little sore and sulky.

but me is recovering fast.

me wants more dance. me wants to push hard. but me needs more time on hand. =(

chiong x3.

me is working out. chants, ‘lose weight lose weight’.

disclaimer first: thanks to people who dote on me, but please don’t feed me anymore!

how now brown cow

2009-11-12T10:30:00.001+08:00

Bye to overseas plans.

No company. =(

No getaway, no relaxation, no excitement. No nothing.

I shall just rot my 9 days of long-awaited-approved-leave away… sadly. Or maybe I will just cancel my leave.

footsteps

2009-11-09T10:20:00.005+08:00

watching you walk away, having so much to say...

slowly... but surely.

--

How dead can one be?

At least my heart’s still pumping and... feeling.

old habits die hard

2009-11-06T09:26:00.003+08:00

If anyone should be faulted in this, it’s me.

Not you, nor you.

I'm just so used to it...

I should have known better, nothing lasts forever.

And promises are made to be broken.

--

Dance.

When expectations grow, when there’s lack of practice, when you see how awesome others are...

It feels out of reach, like you can never get there.

So many factors could easily result in a major drop in confidence. It just keeps going down...

It’s all up to me, to bring it back.

--

Movie-ed with myself yesterday. Quite a different but nice feeling, although I was fumbling with the smallest set of popcorn and huge drink alone.

The funniest thing is... I had to answer the call of nature. I sneakily hid my little combo at a corner of the food counter, with the smart intention of imposing as their ‘property’ as I made a mad rush to the loo.

My popcorn and drink was safe. =) Kudos.

But yes, due to my bladder condition, I went again during the movie...=/

don't race with me.

2009-11-04T09:42:00.003+08:00

Thanks for being willing to wait.

I’m really sorry for… still having doubts and uncertainties which deter me from moving forward to embrace the future. Just need time. More time…

And clear everything real soon. I want, and need a clean slate.

--

I would love some lonesome me-time. Own pace, own places, doing my stuff (coffee/library/swim/shop/movie), just relaxing, spacing out, enjoying random thoughts about things, people and places, without having to bother if the other person is bored or if I’m spending too much time in one shop.

But, this me-time still has to depend on situations/occasions.

--

Recent randoms that make me smile.

- Books

- Gossip girl

- Texts from lovely people (esp morning).

- Seeing important smiles.

- Approved leave.

- New matte gold shoes.

- Soft, yummy kaya toast this morning.

--

I wanna dance.

Glad I am later. (:

dot

2009-11-02T11:19:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling so lost.

="(

GONE?!

2009-10-28T21:51:00.002+08:00

EVERYTHING IN MY ITOUCH JUST DISAPPEARED.

Thanks to the SYNC thing. Why did it suddenly pop up!

Now I can't get back anything anymore. ALL my songs and videos.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!! AND SOOOOO UPSET!!

This irreversible change.

Simply tells me once again... how things can't go back to how they were before.

dim the lights.

2009-10-27T10:04:00.015+08:00

Chris’ awesome 21st party at SupperClub on Saturday night. I had the time of my life.

Private Suite. 1 hour free flow of soft drinks, dinner, and another hour of free flow alcoholic drinks.

I can’t believe one of my crazy babes ordered a DOZEN tequila shots. Had 4 (burning) shots, plus... 4 vodka cokes, 1 screwdriver… and a lethal mouthful of some unknown hard liquor, which I refused repeatedly, but downed it on the behalf of the birthday girl.

Everything was spinning and I felt groggy. At least I was still sober since I remember what happened. Thanks so much to lovely loo and joce who managed to take great care of two insane us.

It’s funny how people behave and say stuff in a drunken stupor. They can just blabber on and on about every single thing. Ok, that includes me. I guess it’s true - alcohol boosts courage.

Also, it seems to be the only time I can dance alone on the dance floor with everyone around… just watching. Thanks again, to the birthday girl for the dare huh.

Some pictures!

the two insanes.

and again.

humongous.

girl with humongous hat.

on the verge.

the cause.

--

More hang outs like yest at sushi tei! And cheesecake frenzy!

And… not forgetting work out and diet too!

Make swimming plans. Fruits for lunch. I will fulfil this, since I ‘penned’ it down. Hopefully!

--

It's unbelievable how people can sleep on transport listening to music. I can never do that. If I wanna sleep, I'd choose not to plug in my earphones. Cos'... when I hear music, my mind has the urge to roam and visualise stuff. On the contrary, I become more awake listening to music.

So... ok bye to ipod in the morning. Napping time.

--

And… I shall just reiterate my opinion.

Guys do not have the right to be temperamental cos’ they do not have PMS.

This might be quite ambiguous as some girls abuse their 'rights' and have 'PMS' almost daily throughout the month. Haha.

jump.

truly, madly, deeply

2009-10-20T17:11:00.010+08:00

I miss the old me.

I miss the me who DANCED SO much…

I miss the me who had the freedom to walk around so much…

I miss the me who talked to people so much…

I miss the me who laughed so hard...

I miss the me who enthused over everything…

I miss the me who was always charged up with energy…

I miss the me who had less insecurities…

I miss the me who was so carefree…

I miss the me who had much more confidence…

I miss the me who danced like nobody’s business…

I miss the me before. The simple me.

Photos, videos…

I so wanna say hi to the old me…

And… bye to the present me. =’(

But for now, I hate this feeling of reminiscence... cos’ I’m trapped.

the background

2009-10-16T17:58:00.000+08:00

i miss how we used to slow down our paces, and talk about everything under the sun... behind the crowd.

Wipe out

2009-10-14T09:50:00.002+08:00

Empty inbox. It just feels weird clicking ‘delete all’, then watch the bar increase at such an appalling speed as everything disappears, with no recycling bin available.

Wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t have to put my cranky phone away and change to a brand new technology, the ‘touch screen’. I’d gladly stick to god-knows-how-many-messages, and delete selectively when it’s eventually saturated, without space for even just one more text.

--

Gossip girls finally. My addiction can come back now, thanks to dearest dg for the prompt assistance. She has literally... everything. You name it, she’s got it.

--

Recent weeks haven’t been great at all. The mood bar is undergoing a low peak season. Ok, maybe with the exception of chill out sessions and social house that night. But it was just a short ‘let loose’ night for me since I left early. Will try staying later next time!

Plus, this week's worse cos' i'm feeling sick. hope it goes away real soon...

--

And thanks a million for your patience. I know, I know. It’s a virtue. Sadly for me, there’s still so much room for improvement. If I were you, I would have fireballed. Many many apologies. And yes, I’m really touched. =)

--

Hmm… I can’t wait. Amaze me, amuse me. ;)

Hide me in a box.

2009-10-09T11:09:00.000+08:00

Bad… bad day yesterday.

Surrogates with good company, and an impulse buy of ‘listography’ perked me up a little. But everything generally, felt pretty bad.

And I can’t manage to cease the feeling. So terribly upset with myself…

Shout out to ME: Stop getting affected! Shoo this feeling already.

-

Even till now, I don’t feel like speaking.

-

Sipping packet Marigold apple juice.

I will try to be good.

Sleep early? =)

-

I’ve been bad.

Sorry for my HUGE temper.

=/

-

Bye friend.

And hi in a week’s time.

fools, fate doesn't happen

2009-10-08T09:15:00.000+08:00

I wonder why… simply reading sent a weird tingling sensation down my heart.

My heart kinda sank. Where did this feeling come from?

And why?

I just don’t feel like talking.

-

Friends? Truth be told, we’re not even acquaintances… now.

-

I just hope you’re happy afterall. And so it seems…

zesty lemon

2009-10-07T10:29:00.003+08:00

Shall blog about all the fun on Sat night with ma dope da ling.

It’s the first time I clubbed with such zest (ok maybe not. lol). The never ending drinks of OUR choice, special entry privileges from the event in zouk then to phuture, and the music in phuture… sweet.

And SAS was <3. Wonder why, they seemed to be luminous green that night. Or was it just the lighting?

The first time I dared to venture to the dance floor when it was empty.

Yeah, we enjoyed the space… initially. But decided to give up when the extra ‘props’ (crowd) came in which got on our nerves.

Despite the nerve-wrecking situation of the ‘props’ closing in on us, I think da ling chose the right night for her virgin night. Not to mention she gave that night to me, the perfect crazy hamster company =P, we had such exclusivity too. I think she’d dislike clubbing more if we had gone on any other normal nights. Having to pay should be her greatest concern! =P cheapo neh neh.

Clear waters

2009-10-06T17:34:00.001+08:00

Yes, yes my lovely October babies. Finally, we’re gonna have the long anticipated Oktober fun!

It’s us, the fun and the sun.

And for you babies, I am offering myself to be intentionally scared for the first time ever in my life!

I’ve promised myself, like seriously, even if there were to be any orientation camps of any sort consisting a segment like ‘Fright Night’, I will choose to forgo it and rather be a loner for the rest of my school life. Ok, but this sounds exciting. *wriggles*

-

And sorry I haven’t been posting pictures, since I don’t blog at home. Prolly… soon soon?

-

I wish for the stormy clouds to pass.

I want a clear sky. It seems to be clearing up.

I'm not game.

2009-10-05T11:47:00.001+08:00

Clubbed on Sat night. Caused some issue which I didn’t know how to handle. It left me speechless.

So much emotional struggle and feelings, beyond any words can say.

-

I think working drains a person’s youth.

-

Little miss greedy accompanies me while in search for Little miss smiley.

-

Many reasons behind a smile.

intensification

2009-09-29T11:14:00.001+08:00

Friends.

Aren’t thoughts a reflection of how much people think or care about you?

Maybe some just let simple details pass them by… which means most to me.

-
Or maybe I should fault myself instead.

Cos’ I’m not a good enough friend to them for their thoughts? But some things I have done my best. Being random the way I am, always thinking about them.

Everything’s led by my heart.

And sometimes I don’t know what I can do anymore.

-

When complications set in, the wound aggravates.

the meaning of random.

2009-09-25T09:02:00.003+08:00

Around my neck suspends a lonely chair, enclosed in a fine bronze closet.

The concept of isolation, with no intrusion.

Might just be a sweet escape I appreciate.

--

I wanna occupy myself with what I love to do.

Dance, dance, dance. That is, if time permits. But it’s obviously not the case now.

I have forgotten how it feels like having the luxury of time.

--

Drinking warm water at work. Kudos to me.

With a whole piece of nicely sliced mooncake. (which I’m gonna share with qiqi!) =D

Ya sure, DIET DIET DIET. Will ensure tiny lunch today!

When is coraline coming out?! coraline. coraline. coraline! =(

--

LOVE 9PEE LOTS. <3

It feels great.

--

And…

Sorry I had to be truthful to you.

a line across

2009-09-24T11:27:00.002+08:00

i hope...

you don't judge me.

it's tough enough and i'm struggling.

=/

boo. i feel fat. not gonna eat much.

please control.

weird chills

2009-09-22T13:07:00.003+08:00

not receiving VOUR text makes me feel weird.

it makes such a huge difference. really. =/

tiny lunch today, silly me today.

i wonder when's coraline coming out! it's been 5 days since the release date on 17th september!

i can't wait i can't wait!

=(

yes, maybe i regret.

I'm a chatterbox, with my little thoughts.

2009-09-18T14:12:00.000+08:00

the swapped roles?

sighs.

can i just stick with... simple and happy?

small simple simple things make me smile. big time.

smiled, just cos' i brought a mooncake to work. silly, i know.

hmmm...

and i realised i can chatter like nobody's business.

sweet decoy

2009-09-17T16:25:00.002+08:00

what if... it's just under the pretext of the surface?

warped...

in a journey with endless questions.

reality check

2009-09-16T13:41:00.000+08:00

i hid.

and

waterfalled.

PLUS SIZE!

2009-09-15T10:20:00.000+08:00

mum truly loves me. =) although i might seem to 'bully' her at times, i love her too. guess that's pretty common with everyone?

asked mum to look out for my eyeliner.

instead of just looking out for me, she bought 2 of them, then she texted me.

'when you small i have to buy you pencil now you big already still need to buy you pencil.'

LOL RIGHT. SO FUNNY! =D

and recently, i feeel soooooooooo dammmm fat despite the daily crunches. and it's proven cos'... i really gained so much weight!

strictly no sweet stuff, no fatty foods! and... i'm not eating anymore!! I NEED TO RUN!

bye, and hi to TINY sausage bun for lunch.

double signs

2009-09-09T13:42:00.003+08:00

too much complications involved.

sighs.

sighs. again.

BOOBOO. =(

the distance, the comfort... all matters.

everything really plays a part.

ok. bye. back to work. and ot-ing... slog myself away without dinner. =/

lines drawn in halves

2009-09-08T11:20:00.003+08:00

you said...

'as long as there's trust...'

i know... but. sighs.

and i guess all's accumulative and sparked from logical reasons which i truly understand and feel bad about.

thanks for the bona fide whole truth. though it did affect me, it means so much.

=)

i smiled at the texts. it's gonna be more than just well.

how about... AWESOME?! =)

and thanks... happy shark. thanks alot.

i can't be any more sorry than this.

2009-09-07T08:50:00.010+08:00

!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????

so many overwhelming feelings.

i just wanna shout out loud.

i'm not that kind of girl.

=(

my finger and feet hurts.

and some other part of me too.

the guitar's significance. the extra mile you'd go for me.

please. allow me to handle this on my own. i can't be selfish anymore.

i teared.

there's nothing left to be said. really?

i don't know what to say. it's impossible for the strong feelings in my heart to be conveyed into words. ultimately, i guess there's no explanations required, no explanations expected.

when people feel this way, there must be reasons. and i'm the reason for everything.. things i did, things i didn't do, words i said, words i did not say.

honestly, there was more i could have done. really could have. like that afternoon. but eventually, it was what i didn't do...

but if everything is so true, tell me why... only certain people have the ability to see through me completely? there must be a reason.

teach me how to pick up the pieces.

everything just comes crashing down on me. i don't have the slightest mood for anything now.

lose.

2009-09-04T10:59:00.002+08:00

decision made. answered. there's no turning back now. i need to tell myself to look forward.

tell me it's that easy. tell me it's REALLY that easy.

hello. hello. what can i do? help me.

no one understands. no one ever will...

i feel like i can break down any moment.

do you really know what i want and how i feel?

happiness. it doesn't feel within my grip for now.

not gonna chomp today. no appetite.

can i just feel better soon? =/

when the party is over, the confusion kicks in

2009-09-01T10:40:00.005+08:00

i would really like to THANK everyone SO MUCH for my awesome birthday blast. hope you all had fun!! that's most important. =) and of cos' must enjoy the cakes too!

esp. BIG BIG BIG THANKS to my beloved 9p. i'm so sorry i think i wasn't a good host to you girls at all. i should have been more sensitive and it's been ages since i last seen you girls. i was just too caught up with many stuff.. and overlooked such important things. which i know, was wrong. really sorry.

the balloon decorations and specially arranged game. i enjoyed it tremendously, so much beyond words. the feeling is just so strong in my heart. i'm so appreciative of it.. and... yea. i know i'm bad at details cos' of impatient me. lousy right!

the soft spongy swiss roll, the fake shoelaces that look like edible fish strips, the lovely pretty and even CHEWY gummy bracelet on mel, my weird picture which didn't manage to appear on everyone's phone, the ridiculous 'aranda' rules (p.s. i bathed more than 10mins *gasp*) and...

the exclusive dot dot dot dot dot shoes with the LOVELY bling-studded swooooosh. =) nike shoes. it's none other than you, beloved 9p, who will put in so much effort... just for that day... just for me.

my regrets during the party... is that i didn't put aside other factors, to just enjoy myself, show my appreciation and spend enough time with you all. i will make it up for you girls someday k.. i feel really bad about it. but nonetheless, i'm so thankful and LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. i'm sure you know it. hope you all felt it too. but so sorry i guess i didn't make you all feel that way... sighs. my bad. really. =/ anyway, i wanna say... i love the hugs and kisses from you all. =) thanks. LOVE ALOT!!

and also... thanks to nicole claire heng li jun, my baby, my flower sister, my baobao for.. the lovely and awesome kate spade BIG BIG BAG!! love it to bits. and love you to pieces. =) and esp. my other 3 flower sisters. clonie, da ling and qiqi!! thanks thanks. i sense the effort so strongly.

esp clonie.. for dressing up so well, even brought her guitar bag with a metal rod! qiqi... for such ROCKER make up. haha. da ling.. for being so tired but still turning up, staying up to party and of cos' taking care of me.

lovely presents from people like mei chin and kat.. the blazer and little brown bag! love them loads! =) and others - my fav boutique, river island vouchers from roy, juang, qiqi, py... clarins cream, sexy undies & pretty band from sam love... baileys and sweet strawberry cakes from loo, joce, tam, chris and xy. yea. i love cards/letters/notes... not to forget the cute starry dress from qiang and gf... and lovely gifts from iris and xiaomei... donuts from bingbing... etc. oh ya, and py for the dope speakers.

the fun, funny yet dumb charades and acting games to self-sung music. LOL. i laughed... alot! hope you all enjoyed too. we drank, we played, we sang, we had lightsticks... everything. and pple like andy, kw, bingbing, py, da ling, clonie, baby nicole and of cos' qiqi... they do the funniest and stupidest things ever. never fail to make me laugh at all. =)

and everyone else for the well wishes. =) it's sweet.

everything! really. i've learnt and started to appreciate everything so much. even the simplest things. like clonie, qiqi and roy going to buy ice and drinks with me... maybe it's true. i've grown up.

but... is this like a turning point in life? a phase of adulthood?

i don't know what i want anymore...

things have progressed to this state and i'm really confused and stressed now.

the timing is always wrong.

will i really be happy? is it as simple as it seems?

have you actually thought of what i need, whether i will really be happy this way?

please... do think. cos' i don't have an answer for now.