[[revelation]]

Looking back, 2009 was a terrible year, in every aspect.

So much disappointment, confusions, unhappiness, and feelings involved. It was difficult to tide through cos’ of all the bad things that happened.

Friends. I have neglected the ones truest to me, and closest to my heart. There were times, I didn’t think for them enough when I clearly could, but just too carried away with myself and whatever on hand at that moment.





As for some others, I put in effort, just to receive nonchalance. I tried, and I wanted to treat them well. But maybe it was too much for people who don’t appreciate me enough.

And others who have been constantly by my side making sure I’m doing ok, thank you so much. It all boils down to little simple things and details. Still, disappointments are always inevitable.

My resolution. For the people who mean so much and whom I mean so much to, I will put my best foot forward. I can, and will do much more.



Feelings. Too much uncertainty, external pressure, and thinking with the mind. In retrospect, I should have felt so much more with my heart. But I was too unsure and didn’t know the answer was so clear all along.



Time waits for no man, man waits for no others. In short, time and people never wait. My hesitation, insecurities and stupidity plunged myself into a slow and painful struggle I never expected. When the dark clouds cleared, the day I was finally sure, retribution came robbing my happiness away.

So much happened in a year. So overwhelming that it felt much longer. Yes, I was filled with regrets.

As the year moves forward, it dawned on me that I can never get the past years back. The times I used to smile genuinely due to a happy factor. And I always know... this happy factor is irreplaceable.

Thanks to you though, who never failed to be there for me throughout, during the times I felt so hurt. You only had one simple wish – for me to be happy. Unfortunately, I’m not. I know you tried so hard, the best you could. And I truly appreciate you beyond words. But I’m sorry for being so truthful all along. The only comfort is that at least you always knew.

A brand new year, I just hope for the fresh wounds to heal and leave me as scars, though it might take a long time. I can never be as happy as before.

Even so, my resolution is to be a whole new me, hoping to be happier soon, occupying myself with meaningful things, people or even being alone. Things to fill up my emptiness for a while, and plaster smiles for a moment, hoping that moment would prolong and the smiles stay to become laughs. Enjoy simplicity, let every simple happiness last.

Family. Things were pretty ok the past year. Though not very often, I managed to make time for them. Trips, outings and sumptuous dinners. I know I tried. I really did. But at times when I didn't feel good about my own issues, I lost my temper at them, which was always unnecessary.

But when you’re feeling so down, so upset, so hurt that you feel like you’re gonna break down any moment, do you even wish to talk? Sorry I can’t. And the only thing I wanna do is shut myself in my room and be alone, or just pretend to be asleep. I really don’t want them to be worried about me.

This year, I hope to spend more time with them and control my temper. Must be nice and patient towards them, and try my best to be home earlier. =)

Dance. A year of setbacks, struggles, disappointments, frustrations and hopelessness. Always wanted the best in myself but I’ve never seemed to achieve that. Overly high expectations of myself or I just failed drastically?



But I just know... whenever I get involved in something, I always gave my all.

Early part of the year, there was concert. I struggled tremendously and it was so stressful, with only hours of training every week. I’m glad I persevered and pulled through with all the support and we had a great show eventually. At least during then, I knew my confidence was still there.





Later part of the year, we trained hard for Jim Beam. To be honest, my confidence fell but I made sure it didn’t affect the team and myself. And we made it against all odds.





Work always got in the way of my dance endeavours and I never had a choice. Giving up countless opportunities, I ended up with insecurities and serious lack of confidence. I couldn’t compete or perform for so many events.

My confidence took an extreme downturn.



I just keep doubting myself. Now, I dance with such great insecurities, feeling so unconfident all the time. It’s by far the lowest self esteem I’ve ever had and I feel so lousy. And I really am. So much courage is needed to pull myself together.

But I know I have to. And I can. And I want to. I refuse to bow down to circumstances which are the controlling factors. I just have to start doing it. But sometimes, I don’t even get chances again, which makes it even harder in believing in myself. Cos'... it just feels like people don’t even believe in me anymore.

This year, I just have to try harder and not let anything deter me. Get the courage. Dance harder, gain back that lost confidence. I just need to always tell myself I can. Enjoy and don’t ever give up on dance, cos’ dance will never give up on you. Yeah, easier said than done, but I will really try.

Health. Bad. Fell ill so frequently that it's so tiring and exhausting. Can't seem to take care of myself well cos' I always tend to forget the right things to eat/do. =( Will try and take care whenever I can, or whenever I remember.

Finance. Spent too much the past year cos' of all the 21st parties and my own meaningless stuff. Time to really scrimp and save.

Studies. This is the year. Time to study and say bye to everything else. The fees cost a bomb. I will study real hard.

All in all, I need more time. Hard to come by, but I will make it happen.

And I'm glad the year started off pretty well. Thanks loves. =)

Closed Book At... [11:39 PM]

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