Friday, February 16, 2007
yest things turned out... the way i didn't want them to.
today's a sudden realisation day, where everything hit me straight, real hard.
on our own, once again.
once, twice. both.
it feels so hard to accept, when initially everything seemed so perfect.
nono, it's not hard to go on, it's possible. is this how i try to convince myself? when again, it happens. just thrown, left all by ourselves. so lost, really... and it's very hurting. but we'll just put our best foot forward and try, go for it since we're already halfway through... although it may be tough, we'll go on bravely together. will try hard...
family... talked to pris and i realised... just how much i've missed out, how much i've missed. stepped into my home today, close to 12 midnight. pitch darkness, and feels void of my existence. beloved toffee dear doesn't even greet me anymore.
recently sis always says that she feels like she doesn't have a sis. i know she didn't mean it in such a way, but sometimes subconsciously saying such things actually have a great impactful meaning. even unintentionally, it hurts so bad, like a stab in the heart. so heart wrenching, really.
did i get my priorities right? i know i didn't. something that won't cost me my life, i sorta chose it over things that i can't do without, which are so so valulable to me. contemplating to give up the former for the latter. well, it shall be a later thing though.
and some people spoke to me today. said i've changed... quite drastically... for a particular reason. i wonder if it's me denying, or i really can't see the situation. i think it's more of denial, refusing to accept that such a situation is going on, and just brush it off. now, they feel like they should talk to me, cos' it's becoming clearer and stronger to others and they are getting worried. i know they truly care, thanks so much. i'm so grateful and glad they approached me, getting things clear into my head. and many things they mentioned, i guess i'm subconsciously aware of.
questioning my sacrifices, and worth. it's... scary cos while talking to me, things i didn't think much about and all the hidden inner thoughts gradually surface. everything falls into place, revealing the picture. i'm starting to think, if something happens, will i be able to cope? i've answered and assured myself countless times. but it's not that easy...
Closed Book At... [12:17 AM]